Playing hide & seek behind the tv!

Playing hide & seek behind the tv!

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Life is a rollercoaster?? Stop I wanna get off!!!

The last 6 months has been like a rollercoaster. So many highs and lows that I'm dizzy from it all. I cannot believe that my beautiful boys are going to be 6 months next week (3rd Jan). Already half a year has flown by. I look at them through my bloodshot sleepless eyes and I'm filled with awe.

Yet I'm also filled with fear - "please don't wake up baby, mummy needs to pee!" "Have 10 more minutes sleep sweetheart, mummy needs to wash" and my personal favorite thought "please don't dive into my chest baby, mummy's nipple needs to heal, otherwise it will drop off"!! Even as I am writing this, I have one of my cheeky chappies on my lap, desperately trying to get to (his) booby. I have become a cow, always ready to be milked! (is that even a word??)

I have never been so in love, or so exhausted in my life. I am totally obsessed with these little miracles, but also slightly peeved off (yes I admit it - but I am only human) that I have no life at the moment. I do not recognise myself anymore. The groomed, witty, intelligent Naz has gone, to be replaced with a gibbering, sleepless, messy wreck who can only comprehend baby talk! Am I making any sense?? Probably not. Am I contradicting myself?? Hell yeah - but what do you expect from a woman that has about 3 hours broken sleep (if i'm lucky) ever night for the past 6 months?

Having twins has taught me so much. I never realised how much patience I really had in me if I just practiced it. Never realised how much love could pour out of every pore and how that love can be split equally between all three of my beautiful boys. Never realised how much guilt a mother feels when she thinks she's failing and realises that no matter how much she loves all her children, sometimes its impossible to split your attention three ways. Never realised how I could control my bladder so well and hold my pee in all day until bedtime becuase I just don't have time for loo breaks (oooh the glamourous life of being a twin mum). Never realised just how selfless I can be...

Yes it's hard work. You have no idea how hard, unless you are in the same position (or unless you are superwoman). I have so much admiration for twin/multiple mums, and I can now spot them a mile off (and not because they have twins with them smartarse!) as they are the ladies who look slighlty unkempt, a little dazed and confused with bloodshot eyes, but with an air of strentgh and extreme determination about them. Cos you have to be a strong woman to survive twins. A friend of mine told me that God only sends twins to strong women as we are the ones that can handle them - how right she was!

Friday, 5 November 2010

Love Bubble

It's been ages since I last wrote. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of baby clothes, nappies and sleepless nights. It has been one of the most stressful, exhausting and emotional times of my life - yet it has also been the most incredible time. My beautiful boys are now four months old and I am totally and utterly in love with them.

The first time I felt love like this was when Kaya was born. My tiny little pink bundle instantly taught me what love was really about the moment he was placed in my arms. I looked into those beautiful grey eyes of his and realised what life was all about. I knew, right there in that hospital room that I would do anything for him. Give up my life for him. Kill for him. I remember saying to my mum shortly after he was born, "I don't think I should have anymore children, it just wouldn't be fair on the next one. How could I love anyone ever again the same way I love him - I just don't have any room left in my heart". My mum laughed at me and told me not to be silly and that you will love all your children the same. I didn't believe her.

When Kaan & Kerem exploded into my life I realised how wrong I was. Not only was I fortunate enough to be able to have another child, but God sent me two to test out my prior theory! Mums are always right - not only do I love them as much as I love Kaya, my love for all my children is equal. I feel so lucky to have three beautiful, healthy boys. And the twins make me feel very very special. It is such an honour to be a "twin mum".

I was going to write all about my sleepless nights and the several occasions we had to dash to doctors and hospital as the boys developed bronchilitis but to be honest with you, I'm in such a love bubble over the twins, that the bad has already been erased from my mind. Sleepless nights?? Who needs sleep when I have the most adorable babies to sit and watch all night! Long, agonising wait in A&E?? A distant memory! Getting pee'd on several times a day - it's only a bit of rose water from my precious flowers! The boys are worth all the tiredness, stress and pain I may go through. Double Trouble? No. Double the love?? Hell Yeah!! Must dash now, my lil angels are awake and waiting for mummy milk....

Friday, 6 August 2010

Sink or Swim?

I'm sitting here watching the boys sleeping peacefully side by side in their bouncers. Two little identically chubby faces turned the same direction contentedly in dreamland. As Kerem starts stirring and making little mousy sounds, I hold my breath, waiting to see if he'll wake up. When he relaxes and continues sleeping, I breathe a sigh of relief. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time holding and caring for my little boy, but I know that once he wakes up, it won't be long before Kaan stirs - and that's when the real fun begins!

The boys will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. Five weeks have whizzed by without me even realising. If you asked me what day of the week it is, or the date, or even the time, I would not be able to answer you, in fact you'd be lucky if I could tell you my name let alone the date! When I named this blog Baby Daze, I got it spot on - I am very much dazed and confused! But oh so in love. It is true that I hardly get any sleep, rest, food or even time for personal hygiene (gone are the days of long luxurious showers and facials or pampering), yet they are so worth it. If only I could now get over my fear of being alone with them....

I am usually a very capable person. I'm strong and independant and sensible. I've always been able to handle situations, no matter how hard they may seem. You either sink or swim, when faced with difficulty - I have always chosen to swim. Yet this is hard work! Much harder then what hubby and I thought and I'm afraid I need armbands in this case, to keep me afloat!

So far I've had my mum, husband and niece with me to help look after them. It takes four adults to manage two babies and a four year old! Today, for the first time since I left the hospital with them, I have been left alone with my boys. My mum is on holiday, hubby is back at work and my lovely niece (who has come to help while my mum is away) is out celebrating her birthday. My immediate thought was to panic at being left alone with them. "How will I cope?" "What do I do if they both wake up and need to be fed? If they are both crying?" When hubby first went back to work and I found out my mum was going on holiday I almost had a panic attack. I'm terrified of being left alone with my own children! I don't feel like I'll be able to cope and the idea scares me sensless. I'm very tired and ratty and feel run down. My niece came to my rescue thank god. Yet even she needs a day off. So while I reassured her that I could cope, and to go and enjoy her birthday, I tried to silence the voices in my head that were hysterically telling me they can't do it, that "we" cannot cope! "Run run" the voices are telling me, "go and hide". I know it makes no sense, yet I cannot get rid of the panic. But then I look at the two little angelic faces and realise they need me and I know in that instance, that I won't be running away anytime soon. Yes it's scary. For the first time in my life I don't know how to cope on my own. For the first time in my life, I need help even though I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for it. Well here's me asking... Wanna come round and keep me company? You may need to change a nappy or ten, and hold a baby or two, but I promise you, we'll entertain you! So what are you waiting for?!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Welcome to the World my beautiful babies

On Saturday 3rd July my beautiful baby boys entered the world. Baby Kaan was born at 6.03pm, closely followed by baby Kerem at 6.07pm. I'm very proud to say that I had a relatively quick and natural delivery. Kaan weighed 5lb 8 oz and Kerem a mere 4lb 13oz.

Since their birth life for us has been a whirlwind. We have no concept of time or day - it has all just merged into one, filled with nappies, milk, laughter (ours from the joy of our boys) and tears.

The tears are mainly from the boys, when they are demanding more "mummy milk". Occasionally the tears have been mine. Tears of joy that I have finally had two healthy, beautiful babies after 9 months of worry and pain. Tears of frustration (how do I hold and feed both babies at the same time???), from the lack of sleep and tears from the pain of breastfeeding (I forgot just how painful it had been the first time round).

As I sit here attempting to write this blog, I am drawing complete blanks as to how to put into words how I feel, because words cannot express it. For the first time I am finding it difficult to express myself through writing. Words seem empty and incompetent. Yet I shall try.

My boys (all three of them) are my greatest, most proudest achievement of my life. They are my sunshine, my hopes and dreams. They are what makes it worth getting up in the morning (even when I haven't slept all night). I look at them and I'm filled with such pride and hope for them that it actually physically hurts. The twins are so little at the moment and so fragile, that I feel an overwhelming desire to protect them. I can easily imagine what a tigress feels like, over her little cubs - very easily understand how you would tear someone or something apart if they were to even attempt to hurt them. Being a mother is the most confusing feeling ever. You feel helpless and strong at the same time.

Kaan and Kerem are already showing their individual personalities. Kaan (the eldest by 4 mins) is "my grumpy old man". He tends to whinge and tell you off (yes, a 5 day old baby can tell you off - if only you could hear the tone he uses when whining!) about everything. Doesnt like his nappy changed, doesn't like to try to hard for his milk (if he has to suckle for too long he gets annoyed and starts beating the breast with his little fists!) and will pee on you if you upset him in anyway (he peed on the midwife who gave him his vitaming K shot). He insists on having his arms out and hates to be swaddled. And when he gets hungry or upset, he waves his little fists in the air, demanding attention! He loves to be held and gazes up at you with the most trusting, piercing stare that completely melts your heart.

Kerem is "my little sparrow (kucuk sercem). He is the most tiniest, most fragile looking thing - he looks like a doll. Yet do not be deceived by his size. He is tiny but mighty. For the first 24 hours of his life, he had to have heel prick tests to check his blood sugar levels (as he was so small) every 3 hours, yet he hardly made a sound every time they pricked him, and seemed unfazed by it. He can already lift up his head for a good look around at the world and he seems very protective of his brother, always opening his eyes to check he's next to him in the cot, before falling asleep again. I cannot wait to see them grow and develop into their personalities even more and I have bonded with them on equal levels instantly.

Their big brother Kaya seems infatuated with them, and although he is showing some signs of jealousy, it is not targeted at his brothers, he's just demanding our attention more. He is very loving towards the boys and I am really looking forward to seeing their relationship develop. I am truly blessed to have three such wonderful, beautiful, healthy boys - I am a very lucky lady!

Now I'm going to go and get some much needed sleep - if I can tear myself away from watching the boys sleep!

Friday, 2 July 2010

D-Day Dawns!

Well after weeks of silence, I feel its time for another post. Not been doing too much really, same as usual, glued to sofa, not able to move, watching belly grow and move and hoping the weeks whiz by! Well whiz by they did! I cannot believe that I am 36 weeks 2 days today and tomorrow I am being induced!

Saw my consultant yesterday and was checked over. Shocked to find out that I'm already 3 cm dilated. I have been getting some pains for the last few days, but as this whole pregnancy has been quite painful, I just put it down to "one of those things when carrying twins" - little did I know that the boys are preparing to enter the world!

So my consultant has booked me in for Saturday 3rd July to be induced, unless things happen before, and I've been sent home to sit and play the waiting game. Had a really rough night last night and feeling knackered today. Wondering where I'm going to find the strentgh and energy for tomorrow's delivery. Funny thing is that as I write this, I'm not feeling any fear, or nerves or even excitement - think I may still be in denial that it's happening. I am a little worried, as the consultant did say we will have to stay in hospital for a few days as the twins will be early and may need a little help. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers - the next time I will update this blog, I will have my boys cradled in my arms insallah.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Cry Baby....

For the last few days or so, I have been feeling really down. I knew that the last few weeks were going to be the hardest - every pregnancy is hard towards the end. What I wasn't counting on was the overwhelming feeling of lonliness that I have. No matter where I am, or who I'm with, I just feel so alone. I feel like I have this massive responsibility heading my way and I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with it.

I guess reality is setting in as the days are getting nearer. When I first found out I was expecting twins I was so scared. Yet every single member of my family told me that we can do this and that I wasn't alone - they would be there for me and help me. But the fact of the matter is, everyone has their own problems, their own lives to lead and their own issues to solve. They cannot, however much they want to, always be there for me. So I have become housebound, prisoner of this goddam sofa that I'm growing to hate and only my four year old son for company. Hubby gets home by 6.30 of course. Yet after a hard day's work, the last thing he wants or needs, is to entertain me. And so my poor little boy is watching his mum become more and more emotional & teary, resulting in his own insecurities! No wonder he's started to wet the bed again, after doing sooo well for months.

So as I sit here in the dark once again, alone, sleepless (I've become an insomniac lately), depressed and feeling downright guilty for being such a shitty mother, I'm wondering what can pull me through this dark hole I seem to be spiralling towards. I should be feeling excited. I should be looking forward to my new babies. So why am I being such a cry baby?......

Monday, 31 May 2010

Shower me with love

We had a baby shower yesterday. First one I've ever attended (or thrown for that matter) so it was interesting to set up. At least it gave me something to do, other than sitting on my sofa and sleeping! Considering we are amateurs at the whole baby shower thing (until now, it's not a very common thing in the UK), it went rather well and we had fun. Thank you to all my friends and family who attended, and for all the lovely gifts. We were truly spoilt. When I first told one of my sister's that I was going to throw a baby shower, she said "but the babies aren't here yet, who are we meant to shower??" Bless, her! I explained to her that you don't shower someone literally, it's just called that, to which she replied "oh good, cos I thought seeing as the babies aren't here, we were going to wash you!" What a horrifying idea - although saying that, it has been a looong time that my feet got a good scrub, so it would probably be quite helpful to get someone to wash me.....

I will be 32 weeks on Wednesday and I have to say, I'm reaaally feeling it now. I just ache all over, I can no longer walk, I've been sleeping on the reclining sofa for the last 2 weeks as I cannot lie in bed comfortably, feel like an overturned tortoise while trying to get out of bed and cannot really eat much as I have no space left in my stomach. The movements and kicks of the boys are very strong and intense now and actually hurt. So to say I'm starting to struggle, is an understatement. How am I going to cope for the next 5 weeks???

On the upside, I am getting alot of sleep at the moment (I keep dozing off on the sofa, I feel drugged!) so I'm hoping that when the boys are here and screaming in unison at 3am in the morning, I can look back to this time and think "well you had your share of sleep for the year, now get on with it" and hopefully this will be some sort of comfort to me...I know what you're thinking - I'm deluded! Just remind me of these words when I'm complaining about the lack of sleep in a few weeks time!

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Pass the Red Bull!

I am so exhausted that I haven't even had the energy to write lately. Hence the silence. I decided to force myself to sit down with the laptop, and turn my attention to my blog, rather than idly reading the Baby and Bump forum, which I must say, has become my best friend in the past few weeks.

I am 27 weeks and 1 day pregnant today - but I feel and look about 12 months pregnant! My body is slowly shutting down on me. I can't move, think, or even speak. In fact, my sister actually thought I'd been secretly hitting the bottle as I was slurring my words so much the other day!! I had to convince her that the only type of bottle on my mind lately, is which type of bottle is best used for breastfed babies! (I've decided to go with Nuk bottles, in case you're wondering).

I knew that carrying twins must be hard work, but I don't think you ever comprehend just how hard it is, unless it happens to you. My hormones are ALL over the place (I cry at the drop of a hat), the mood swings are horrendous, and as for the pain and discomfort - lets not even go there! I look like an elephant yet feel as fragile as Humpty Dumpty (I will crack I tell you!).

This pregnancy has been a learning curve for me. It has taught me resistance ( I will resist the urge to hit hubby over the head with the frying pan, no matter how much he's annoying me), patience (I must stop rushing around as I don't want to faint from the head rush), determination (I CAN put my own underwear on if I just try a little harder to lift up my damn leg!) and the ability to swallow my pride and accept help from my loved ones, when it is offered.

I phoned up one of my sisters yesterday in tears. I needed to get my frustrations out so I moaned to her about the lack of energy and how the place was a mess, yet how I couldn't clean up because I hardly had the energy to even move from my sofa! I cried that I didn't even have the energy to cook ,so had been living on toast for breakfast and lunch lately, until hubby came home to cook. My sister immediately offered to come round and help after an appointment she had. At first I declined her offer and told her I wasn't hinting for help, just merely having a moan and that I would be far too embarrassed to have my sis come and clean for me. She insisted that I didn't have to do this on my own, after all "what are family for?" A few hours later, she came to my rescue with her friend, rubber gloves in one hand, lunch for me in the other! I am eternally grateful to her for all the support and help she has given me since the beginning of this pregnancy.

I am hoping the next 10 weeks that I have left whizz by. I am sure that once my little men are here, it will be very hard work, but at least I will gain back control of my body. In the meantime, all I can say is - pass me the Red Bull. Apparently, it gives you wings. Maybe then I can fly off this sofa...

Thursday, 22 April 2010

A little bit of background....

As I've started this blog late rather than at the beginning of my pregnancy, I really should do a quick update on the missing weeks. After finding out about the twins at my 12 week scan, I was told I would be scanned every two weeks starting from 16 weeks onwards, to keep an eye on the babies' growth. Reason for this is because as they are identical, they are at risk of getting Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). This is a condition where one twin gets most of the nutrients (they share a placenta) while the other starves, and can be fatal for both babies.

Of course the moment I heard I'm carrying twins I came home and frantically googled identical twins, hoping to learn more about what to expect. When I read about TTTS my concerns and anxieties I already had quadrupled!! I couldn't stop worrying! The next 4 weeks seemed like the longest in my life, waiting for the date to finally arrive for my next scan. Unfortunately, it didn't put my mind at rest, as I had a terrible consultant who had no bedside manner. She explained the reason for the regular scans and the risks of TTTS, telling me that both babies "could die" if they get it! I was horrified at the way she put it. Rather than reassuring me and calming me down, I left that appointment a nervous wreck. I will not bore you with the details, but to cut a long story short, I complained and got my consultant changed. I am now in the care of a lovely and very capable consultant and I'm happy to report that all is well with the boys. Oh yeah, I found out I'm having two more boys! Aaaaah the testosterone levels that will be in our household!! Hopefully it won't result in me growing hairs on my chest!

I was signed off work at 20 weeks, so have been at home (barely moving from my trusty old sofa, I'm sure there's a bum dent in it now!) for the last 6 weeks. I am going out of my mind with boredom and frustration as I am really not used to sitting around doing nothing, but if it means my boys are growing well and will stay put for longer, than so be it. And so here we are today! Twenty six weeks and 1 day pregnant, and as huge as an elephant! Now where did I put that second chocolate bar....

Monday, 19 April 2010

Birthday Blues?

It is my dear hubby's 40th birthday today. "Farty at forty", he keeps telling me! Not quite sure why he wants to joke about flatulence, but he has one of those sense of humours. I think it stems from the fear of getting old - laugh it off and it trivialises it. The idea of being a dad to three small children somewhat scares him slightly. "Will I have the energy to run after them and play with them?" Course you won't, I joke back, but that has nothing to do with your age!

It isn't just him with these niggly worries. Nearly three weeks ago I celebrated my 30th. Well, I say celebrated, but to be honest with you, when you are 23 weeks pregnant with twins, you can hardly move from the spot, let alone celebrate! I had grand plans for our birthdays this year. We were both reaching important milestones so I was going to arrange big parties - maybe a joint one. Yet our twins had other ideas and decided to join the party and so our focus changed from us, to them - naturally! Now the only thing that will be keeping me up in the small hours of the night, is not my partying, but my weak bladder. As I sit wide awake at 3am in the morning, on the edge of the bed in the dark, trying to reason with twin 1 that kicking mummy in the bladder at this hour is really not on, I wonder if I am truly prepared for the double delights that will come with twins! "OMG OMG I'll never sleep again", goes the mantra in my head.

I am 26 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Every week is a great achievement for me as I know that twins can come early. So the more my little buns cook, the more I can relax and try to enjoy the pregnancy. After all, this will be the last time I'll be pregnant. The last time I will feel a baby move and kick inside me. The last time I will be creating a miracle (two miracles!). So I try to remind myself to enjoy it. Yes, even the difficult parts of the pregnancy, and believe me, there are plenty of them!

And so as I wish hubby a very happy birthday, and remind him that you're as old as the woman you feel (so you're only 30 babe!) I promise him that we are going to celebrate an important birthday this year - the birthday of our twins in approximately 12 weeks time - and what can be more important or exciting than that!?!

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Spreading the news...

And so the phone calls began. The moment I left the sonographer's room, I grabbed my bag and manically began punching my family's phone numbers into my mobile. How do I tell them there's two on the way? They were already worried about how we would cope with one more baby financially, so I wasn't sure how they would take the news of two! Hell, I wasn't even sure how to take the news yet.

I began all my conversations in the same way "Are you sitting down?" To my great relief though, my family were so excited and happy for us. After initially laughing at me (not sure why they found it soo funny!) they all promised that all would be ok and they would be there to help and do what they could - thank God for family hey! As I screeched down the line that I'm expecting twins, I could see the other expectant mothers in the waiting room looking over at me and whispering to their partner "she's expecting twins". Should have realised then what a head-turner twins are, but I was soon to find out.

There was just one more person to break the news to - in fact the most important person in all this - our little boy, Kaya. Funny thing is, when I told my son a few weeks prior to the scan that "mummy had a baby in her tummy" his response to this was that he wanted "two babies", to which I promptly told him that mummy couldn't have two babies. Little did she know....

Now that his wish had become a reality, I was a little nervous about giving him the news, just in case he thought it through and changed his mind - after all, bad enough having to share your toys with one sibling, let alone two! When I sat him on my lap and told him mummy does in fact have two babies in her tummy, his replied "well Sevcan (his aupair) has TEN babies in her tummy!!" then hopped off my lap and ran off to play. Well that told me!!

I figured he didn't quite understand what I was trying to tell him and I would try to explain again another time. Wrong! He understood alright. The next day I logged onto facebook to find a message from my colleague (who was also Kaya's nursery nurse - I work in a school) congratulating me on the twins, saying that Kaya told everyone in his class and therefore all the staff knew!! That child is like a walking newspaper!!

And so it begins....

It all started with those three little words..."There's two heartbeats".

"I'm sorry, what??" Surely she was joking. But the sonographer wasn't laughing. She pointed at the screen. "There's two babies in there".

"You're kidding me - she's joking right?" I desperately ask hubby. He sits in stunned silence, with a slightly painful looking grin on his face, while I attempt to crush his hand in my vice-like grip.

"This is no joking matter, you are carrying twins and they are identical by the looks of it". She sternly tells me.

Ok ok don't panic. This is good news. The baby is fine - the babies' are fine. That's the main thing right? Everything else will fall into place..

"How will we cope?" I whisper to my husband. He keeps grinning like a maniac (or is it a grimace, I cannot tell in the dark) and just nods. "You're going to have to get the snip after this. Three children under 5!!"

"No need, I'm never touching you again, you're a bloody baby machine" he says through gritted teeth.

Oh my God I'm having twins. OMG there's two! Plus one at home. And so the madness that is my life, begins...