This week has been a very tough week for me so far. I feel like every nerve in my body is on edge and my temper levels are sky high. I am like a volcano that is about to erupt, spewing all my frustrations, impatience, anger and resentment onto any poor sod that had the audacity to cross my path (it usually tends to be poor hubby). That icelandic volcano has nothing on me!
From someone on the outside looking in, I probably seem like a silly, ungrateful cow, who doesn't know how lucky she is. Far from it. I count my lucky stars everyday. For I have the most precious, wonderful, beautiful three boys that any woman could ever have. They are my angels (sometimes my devils!), my good luck charms, my pride and joy. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that I am only human and I have human-like feelings! I am not superwoman. I am not a robot. I am not a vampire that can do without sleep! (How I envy those Cullens right now). I cannot live on air alone, I need food occasionally. I do not have superhuman powers and boundless energy - I need rest on rare occasions! Yet I am on the go 24/7. I wake up countless of times through the night, either turning a baby over (who has flipped onto his front, then struggled like a little turtle on his shell, to get back over but cannot), fetching water for another, trying to calm a screaming baby down or just wondering the house aimlessly, feeling on edge because I think there is something I should be doing, but can't remember what (note to self: you're meant to be sleeping hun!).
The twins are getting more and more aware of their sorroundings by the day. They want to be part of the action; tasting everything, touching everything, seeing all around them. It is such a fantastic age to be at, when they realise that there is so much more than the small bubble of mum, dad and booby that has been their world so far and they want to experiment and explore. For me though, this part of their lives is tinged with a little sadness. Sadness that I don't have the luxury of time like I had with Kaya, to spend helping them explore. The guilt of being a twin mum and having to split your attention three ways is getting to me. Combined with the sleepless nights, the hunger pangs, and the painful knees and shoulder blades (you try carrying around two 19lb babies non-stop!) has turned me into a depressed, moody monster. The twins have also had a bad week. I put them in seperate cots for the first time on Sunday and I'm quickly getting the feeling that the boys do not like being apart! They kept me up until 3am the other night, screeching their protests at being seperated and demanding to be united. Unfortunately I cannot put them back together again as they are just too big for one cot.
So here it is. A week in the life of a twin mum. Stress? Plenty! Frustration? In abundance. Guilt?? Bucket load. All the ingredients of being me. I felt very sorry for myself last night and I lied in bed (after Kerem decided that mummy wasn't allowed to watch her programme and screamed every time I even thought about leaving the room) with my little man in my arms and sobbed. Poor hubby sat by the side of the bed, trying to sympathise with me. "I know what you are going through Naz, I'm going through it too".
Oh really? Do you wake up about 15 times in the middle of the night? Do you breasfeed TWO babies all day?? Do you carry at least one (very heavy) baby in your arms throughout the whole day -sometimes two- trying to entertain them constantly? To you tend to a very jelous four year old who thinks that mummy no longer loves him, then get annoyed at his constant demands for attention, tell him off, then suffer from severe guilt for being such a crap mother?? Do you hold your pee in all day long, only to find yourself wondering why the heck you bladder is burning, then realise you've needed a loo break for the last 4 hours and not had the chance to go?? Does your life revolve around the same 4 walls that you've confined yourself in, cos you are too scared to go out alone in case the twins play up and you can't handle them? Are you starved off human adult contact? Then it is safe to say, you don't know what I am going through!!
I will survive this....I will look back on it one day and think "what was all the fuss about?" I will take one glance at my sons and know that I did a fantastic job and that it was worth every sleepless night, every pain, every blood, sweat and tears that I've shed. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know I have gorgeous children and I shouldn't be feeling this way. And everytime I look into those beautiful brown eyes, everytime I get one of those wonderful gummy smiles, I come to my senses. But now and then I need to wallow in self pity. Now and then, I feel down. Because I am human. And I do feel...