Silence is Golden

Hey, can you hear that?? Listen very carefully, what can you hear? Nothing? EXACTLY! The silence surrounds me, like an old, much-missed familiar friend, licking my wounds and comforting my battered soul. I may sound like a drama queen, but silence is a complete and utter luxury these days - one of the rare gems that is sought after but hardly found. I sometimes try to escape for five minutes, just to have some time to myself, a little blissful silence. The only place I can go without anyone trying to stop me is the loo. So I make my excuses ("I need the loo again. I know I know, fifth time this morning, what can I say, I carried twins, weak bladder now!") and make a run for it. I manage a good 3 minutes of golden silence and time to myself before I'm dragged back to reality with a "NAAAAAZ, what are you doing in there?? Hurry up, the twins are behind the tv pulling the wires again!" Aaaah well, it was good while it lasted....

My beautiful boys are nearly 15 months old now and 'chaotic' is the most fitting word to use to describe our life at the moment. They are typical toddlers; curious, full of energy and mischief and think - well not think - KNOW that they rule the roost. My day consists of running after them, (often pulled in different directions), stopping them from climbing up furniture, wrecking the tv or beating each other up. I'm also often found rescuing their older brother who they've realised they can gang up on, or the cat, who is shivering in a corner, looking for an escape route! I'm starting to think that the Kray brothers have some competition on their hands - my 'K' twins are in training to be the new mafia about town in Essex!

I'm amazed I've found the time to write this blog this morning, but thankfully after terrorising and tag-teaming me and poor hubby all night and finally waking at 5am this morning, the boys are actually exhausted for a change and are having an early nap. I should be catching some zzzzzz too while I have the chance, but after 5 months of inactivity on my blog, I thought I'd use this opportunity for a quick update. But alas, it was not to last - one of my munckins has just woken up, so I'll have to say goodbye. I'll probably see you for another update in another 5 months or so - IF i'm still alive! :)

Birthday Boys

By the time I finish writing this post, it'll be midnight. 3rd July. Your birthday. I cannot believe a whole year has gone by already. This date last year, I was sitting on a gym ball, jumping up and down while listening to Rihana on my portable dvd player, hoping that all the jigging up and down would kickstart the labour. You - my boys - came crash, bang , wollop into my life a few hours later (6.03pm and 6.07pm), bringing me the type of happiness, exhaustion, love & pain that I never imagined was possible. You, my sons, have enriched my life in ways I can never explain, no matter how hard I try.

I once told my mum not long after Kaya was born, that it would be unfair to have anymore kids, because I loved Kaya so much that there could not possibly be more room left in my heart to love another child as I do him. I am so happy to say that I was very wrong. Yes my heart was too small to hold such a powerful love for three such beautiful boys like you - so it grew threehold to accomodate that love. It is now fit to burst and I am just so so so proud of all three of you and so happy that you have chosen me to be your mummy.

You have grown so much in the last year. You were both so tiny, so fragile looking, that I was too afraid to hold you. Now you are such big strapping boys. So full f energy, mischief and character. I look into those beautiful big brown eyes and cannot believe that I have twins! I have twins. Two, not one, TWO beautiful baby boys. As I sit here writing this, I can feel the tears at the tip of my eyelashes ready to fall. One year olds already. Where has the time flown??

I know that in a few years to come (in a blink of an eye), I will be sitting here in front of a PC, writing you your 16th birthday message, crying and gushing and smiling because my beautiful boys are now young men, making me proud of them every day. And I know you will my babies. My angels. Happy birthday Kaan. Happy Birthday Kerem. I love you so so much and I always will, no matter how many tantrums, or teenage strops that will be coming my way. May you have a birthday that is as wonderful, as special as you boys are! xxxx

You know when you're a twin mum when.......:)

This blog was inspired from a thread a fellow twin mum started on a forum. After I wrote my long list, I thought I'd share it with you.

You know when you're a twin mum when:

You get excited at the thought of going to Asda, cos THAT's a day out for you now!

Everyone at Asda knows yours and your twins names.

You have a fifteen minute conversation about your twins with a complete stranger at the shops.

You dress your twins the same not because its cute, because it's easier.

You see twins everywhere.

You get excited when you see a buy one get one free sign.

You approach a twin mum without hesitation.

You get really irritated when people mix up their names and bark the right name at them.

You have the biceps of a man as you're walking around all day carrying two babies.

Your back and shoulder-blades kill because of the above.

You drop something and without hesitation pick it up with your toes.

you feed two (in my case three) kids with one bowl one spoon in one go!

You want to punch anyone who says they're tired.

You can't go out the house without being stopped by random strangers.

You avoiding going places because your pushchair won't fit.

You hate packs of 3

You can spot a fellow twin mum a mile off (and not because she has her twins with her, but because of the air of exhaustion and desperation around them).

You never answer your phone anymore and you never return anyone's calls (no time!)

Waking up t 7am in the morning is a lie-in for you!

You're tucked up in bed and snoring away by 8pm every night.

You're lucky if you get to wash everyday.

You get annoyed at people who coo "aaaaah twins, I want twins"

You get annoyed at people who says "better you than me"

You get annoyed at someone who asks if twins run in the family.

You get annoyed if someone says "double trouble".

You get annoyed when people ask you "are they twins?" when it's clear that they are!

You get annoyed when you tell people they are identical and they then go on to ask if they are boy/girl twins!

You get annoyed when people ask if one's a boy and one's a girl when they are clearly BOTH dressed in blue.

You just get annoyed! lol

Shopping takes you twice as long as before.

The fact that people ask you intimate questions such as whether you are breastfeeding, whether you delievered them naturally and whether you had IVF to conceive twins doesn't faze you anymore.

You find yourself holding in your pee for HOURS and it becomes second nature and before you know it you don't even realise that you need to pee anymore, or that you've been holding on for the last 3 hours!!

Three hours sleep in one go seems like bliss.

You laugh hysterically when your partner mentions sex cos you know it's not happening anytime soon (you'll be lucky if you get any for the next two years buster!)

Your best friends are now ladies on a forum you've never met!

The idea of having a singleton seems like a piece of cake and you're now certain you could take care of a singleton with your eyes blindfolded and your hands tied behind your back.

You toy with the idea of returning to work full time so that you could get some rest!

But at the end of the day, you have two chubby little arms that go round you, two cute little faces to kiss, two gorgeous smiles that melt your heart and ALL that day's hardships melt away and you know its all worth it and that you are the luckiest woman alive.

The Milky Bars are no longer on me

My beautiful boys are exactly 11 months today. Eleven months has flown by in a heartbeat. Its a bit of a sad day for me today as I've finally admitted to myself that it is time to stop breastfeeding my little monkeys. They are just not interested in mummy milk anymore. The world around them is far more interesting to be stuck on mummy's lap, feeding. So for the last time this morning, I took my little boys onto my lap, breastfed them together (tandem), then apart for the very last time...

I took some pictures so that I can look back and reminice, then officially closed down the "Milk Bar" (my hubby's phrasing, not mine - he brought a whole new meaning to the line "the milky bars are on me"!). I feel relieved and sad all at the same time. I was never sure I'd be able to BF the twins, but I promised myself I'd try and I think I have done brillliantly, considering how hellish the first month. I should be happy I've done it this long and that I can finally have my boobs back, but it kind of feels like it's admitting they are now longer babies anymore but on their way to toddlerhood - I waaaant my babies baaaaaaaaaccckkk!!!

I'll miss the cuddles and that special feeling I got when they snuggled up against me, suckling away, sighing contentedly as they fell asleep in my arms. I will miss how they would dive into my chest, pulling at my top, trying to get to their mummy milk. I will miss that no matter what upset them, or how upset they were, it could all be so solved and the tears would immediately stop just by breastfeeding them. And most importantly I will miss the one-on-one quality time I had with each twin as I fed them.

So it's an end to one chapter, and I'm sure the beginning of a whole lot more. Four more weeks and we'll be celebrating their first birthday. I cannot believe how quickly a year has gone by - and more importantly, I cannot believe I survived it!! Must be made of stronger stuff than I thought.... Right, I'm off to chuck away my ugly nursing bras and buy some new underwired bras that will mean my breasts will be back to where they belong, rather than down my knees! Hubby is in for a treat, no more granny boobs! :)

Me, myself and I

To say that the last month or so has been a challenge would be an understatement! I knew it would be hard work the moment the words left my mum's mouth. She was going to Cyprus on holiday - for 5 weeks!! OMG how was I going to cope without her? What would I do without her help? Would I be able to manage?

I first realised how much I needed my mum when the boys were about 4 weeks old or so. For the first four weeks of their life my mum lived with me. She helped me with everything, from washing the boys, to putting them to sleep, and even cooking and cleaning for me. She would even take the boys from me at night and look after them, doing all the night feeds (with expressed breast milk), while I slept till the morning. But when she decided that she needed a night in her own home and was leaving me for the evening, I had a panic attack. I just didn't feel I could cope. Seeing me so panicked, my mum ended up coming and going for another 4 months until in the end, I decided it would just be easier for us to move in with her. That way I'd have her to hand 24/7!

So you can imagine my horror when my mum informed me she was off on holiday for a much needed, and a very much deserved break. I don't begrudge my mum anything, of course she must go, but I could feel that old familiar feeling of panic setting in. The boys were now 9 months old, very active, very demanding - I needed her more than ever, or so I thought. I kept how I was feeling under wraps though, as I didn't want to make her feel guilty, and other than the occasional joke about her abandoning me, I assured her I'd be fine.

And so for the first time since the boys were born, I was left completely to my own devices. There was my dad and hubby of course, and he would watch the boys if I needed a quick loo break or a quick shower, but other than that, there was not much he could do. As for hubby, he doesn't get home until after 6pm, which by then the boys are in bed. The biggest help dad did for me was to do the school runs for Kaya. Unfortunately my poor mum didn't get the rest she needed and ended up having an accident and hurt her back in the first week of her holiday, so my dad had to rush to Cyprus to be with her, leaving me completely alone...

And so the merri-go-round of school runs, feeding the boys, entertaining them, taking them up and down the stairs (one under each arm, who needs dumbells) bathing them alone etc, etc, began. Things that I would normally had help with, I had to learn to do alone. The feeling of panic, turned to desperation and depression. Until on the third day I realised something.... Not only was I coping, but I was enjoying it! The boys were thriving, and I was loving the fact that I had the boys all to myself, and managing just fine, thank you very much!

In those five weeks, my little men learnt how to crawl, pull themselves up on furniture and cruise and have started to babble away, having proper conversations with each other. Their gummy smiles and little personalities helped me pull through and see the bright side of things at the most difficult of moments. The hardest thing for us has been the nights. I think that there was so much change what with their nan then grandpa leaving, that the boys became very clingy and would wake several times a night wanting to sleep with us. Yet hubby and I coped. We got on with it and by the fourth week of my parents being away, I decided to tackle our sleepless nights too. It meant alot of willpower and a few tearful, frustrating and even more sleepless nights. After going cold turkey with the night feeds (they were still breastfeeding at night) and refusing to pick them up and using a little bit of the CC technique, we have managed to get the boys more settled at night. They are not sleeping through just yet, but in the last 3 nights, I've had more sleep than I've had in the last nine months! Hopefully they will soon settle even more and start sleeping through. Fingers crossed. Most importantly, I've learnt out of this experience that I am perfectly capable of looking after my boys, all by myself. Yes the house was a bit of a mess as I hardly had any spare time. Yes I went hungry as I didn't have time to cook. BUT I discovered that there's only three people I need to cope - me, myself and I - we can do just fine all on our own! :)

Getting to know you, getting to know all about youuuu....

You know the feeling you get when you meet someone new and you're in the early stages of your relationship where you are getting to know each other? The excitement you feel when spending time with them? The warm feeling inside when they look at you as if you are the most important person in the whole world? Well that's how I've been feeling these last two weeks. And who is the man making me feel like this I hear you say...Well there is two men making me feel like this. Two very special, gorgeous little men. Yes, you guessed it - Kaan and Kerem are responsible for the love bubble state that I'm going round in.

These last two weeks, my little men have changed so much, it's as if I am getting to know the "real them". At nearly nine months old, their little personalities are coming through, making me fall in love with them all over again. They are two of the cheekiest, funniest, cutest little boys ever. They clearly take after their big brother, who I'm sure has been giving them lessons in cheekiness on the sly! They have learnt how to clap on demand, wave, motion you to come with their hand, say grandpa in Turkish (dede) say mum in Turkish (anne, pronounced anneh), say come on in Turkish (hade) - all in the space of a couple of weeks! It's truly amazing how much they've developed in such a short space of time.

Their personalities are so different, both so special in their own way, that no matter how identical they may be, there is no mistaking who's who. Kaan is our little "Kirby" or "Teddy" as we like to call him. My mum calls him Kirby because he will eat absolutely anything you give him (he even devoured grapefruit!) and he eats so quickly - just hoovers it all up! Hubby and I call him Teddy as he is the most cuddliest baby ever. He loves being cuddled and kissed and squished and in return gives us lots of cuddles and kisses. He's definately the bossy and more sociable one of the two, always smiling and babbling at everyone, demanding they pay him attention & grabbing the toys of poor Kerem, even though he will have exactly the same toy in front of him. People always zone in on him first as he's very smiley and "talkative".

Kerem is "my little sparrow". I gave him this nickname from birth as he was just so tiny and fragile looking, that he reminded me of a baby bird. Funnily enough that nickname still applies, but for different reasons. He coos and makes the most adorable noises like a little bird and when he gets excited he starts flapping his arms, like he's trying to take off. He's a little bit more reserved and serious. He's more cautious of people he doesn't know, staring at them seriously, before even considering giving them a smile. Everyone thinks he's too serious and not a very smiley baby, but he just likes to suss you out first, before bestowing you with the most brightest, cheekiest smile ever. If you are patient enough to wait and play with him, you will be rewarded. He is more independant. He doesn't like too many cuddles and kisses - they have to be on his terms and when he's ready to give them to you. At first I thought that he didn't bond with me as well as Kaan and even told my mum that he seemed to prefer her to me as he seemed happier in nana's lap than mine, but in the last few weeks I'm started to get his personality more and our bond has become stronger because of it. I now know that patience and perseverence is the key to unlocking Kerem's heart and getting those sloppy kisses from him.

Tomorrow is my birthday. If anyone had told me a few years back that I'd be celebrating my 31st birthday with three beautiful boys and I'd be a twin mummy I'd have laughed in their face. Having twins has been the biggest shock ever - I never wanted twins (I just never considered the possibility), I just assumed we would have one more baby and that would be our family. BUT the moment I knew of the twins existence, my life changed forever. They are my destiny and I am totally in love with them. I am so glad they chose me as their mummy. Tomorrow will be one of the best birthdays I will ever have, as I have three little sets of chubby arms ready to give me cuddles, and that's the best birthday present I could ever wish for!

Pass me the Prozac please!

This week has been a very tough week for me so far. I feel like every nerve in my body is on edge and my temper levels are sky high. I am like a volcano that is about to erupt, spewing all my frustrations, impatience, anger and resentment onto any poor sod that had the audacity to cross my path (it usually tends to be poor hubby). That icelandic volcano has nothing on me!

From someone on the outside looking in, I probably seem like a silly, ungrateful cow, who doesn't know how lucky she is. Far from it. I count my lucky stars everyday. For I have the most precious, wonderful, beautiful three boys that any woman could ever have. They are my angels (sometimes my devils!), my good luck charms, my pride and joy. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that I am only human and I have human-like feelings! I am not superwoman. I am not a robot. I am not a vampire that can do without sleep! (How I envy those Cullens right now). I cannot live on air alone, I need food occasionally. I do not have superhuman powers and boundless energy - I need rest on rare occasions! Yet I am on the go 24/7. I wake up countless of times through the night, either turning a baby over (who has flipped onto his front, then struggled like a little turtle on his shell, to get back over but cannot), fetching water for another, trying to calm a screaming baby down or just wondering the house aimlessly, feeling on edge because I think there is something I should be doing, but can't remember what (note to self: you're meant to be sleeping hun!).

The twins are getting more and more aware of their sorroundings by the day. They want to be part of the action; tasting everything, touching everything, seeing all around them. It is such a fantastic age to be at, when they realise that there is so much more than the small bubble of mum, dad and booby that has been their world so far and they want to experiment and explore. For me though, this part of their lives is tinged with a little sadness. Sadness that I don't have the luxury of time like I had with Kaya, to spend helping them explore. The guilt of being a twin mum and having to split your attention three ways is getting to me. Combined with the sleepless nights, the hunger pangs, and the painful knees and shoulder blades (you try carrying around two 19lb babies non-stop!) has turned me into a depressed, moody monster. The twins have also had a bad week. I put them in seperate cots for the first time on Sunday and I'm quickly getting the feeling that the boys do not like being apart! They kept me up until 3am the other night, screeching their protests at being seperated and demanding to be united. Unfortunately I cannot put them back together again as they are just too big for one cot.

So here it is. A week in the life of a twin mum. Stress? Plenty! Frustration? In abundance. Guilt?? Bucket load. All the ingredients of being me. I felt very sorry for myself last night and I lied in bed (after Kerem decided that mummy wasn't allowed to watch her programme and screamed every time I even thought about leaving the room) with my little man in my arms and sobbed. Poor hubby sat by the side of the bed, trying to sympathise with me. "I know what you are going through Naz, I'm going through it too".

Oh really? Do you wake up about 15 times in the middle of the night? Do you breasfeed TWO babies all day?? Do you carry at least one (very heavy) baby in your arms throughout the whole day -sometimes two- trying to entertain them constantly? To you tend to a very jelous four year old who thinks that mummy no longer loves him, then get annoyed at his constant demands for attention, tell him off, then suffer from severe guilt for being such a crap mother?? Do you hold your pee in all day long, only to find yourself wondering why the heck you bladder is burning, then realise you've needed a loo break for the last 4 hours and not had the chance to go?? Does your life revolve around the same 4 walls that you've confined yourself in, cos you are too scared to go out alone in case the twins play up and you can't handle them? Are you starved off human adult contact? Then it is safe to say, you don't know what I am going through!!

I will survive this....I will look back on it one day and think "what was all the fuss about?" I will take one glance at my sons and know that I did a fantastic job and that it was worth every sleepless night, every pain, every blood, sweat and tears that I've shed. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know I have gorgeous children and I shouldn't be feeling this way. And everytime I look into those beautiful brown eyes, everytime I get one of those wonderful gummy smiles, I come to my senses. But now and then I need to wallow in self pity. Now and then, I feel down. Because I am human. And I do feel...

Hush little babies don't you cry.....

I'm sure that from reading my blog you've noticed that I'm not in the best of states lately. Six months of demand feeding the little men, of waking up countless of times in the night - in fact hardly sleeping, of not getting any rest during the day due to the fact that the boys won't nap for more than 10 minutes intervals and when they are awake, want to be constantly held, has resulted in me being a permanent moody, emotional, tramp! (Not tramp in the slutty way but tramp as in I don't get to wash lately!)

I have therefore decided that for my sanity's sake I must use the "controlled crying method" to get the boys sleeping through the night and napping better during the day. For those of you who are not familiar with CC, here's how it works: You settle baby down while still awake and leave the room. Return in 5 minutes to pop dummy in mouth (if they take one) and to soothe them (I stroke their head or pat their bottom) for a couple of minutes, then leave the room again, even if they are still crying. Return at 10/15/20/30 minute intervals and repeat process until they fall asleep. I actually thought this method was quite harsh and I wanted to avoid it as I can't even hear my little men cry for 5 seconds, let alone 5 minutes. But desperate times, desperate measures! And so with the help and support of a fellow twin mum, who talked me through the process, and with a very heavy heart and nervous mind, we began on Wednesday.

Today is day three, and I cannot believe the change in the boys! Firstly I have to say, the method wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, although I have adjusted the times I go in as there's no way I could leave them to cry for more than 10 mins. So after 2-5 minutes, I go in, replace dummy, soothe and leave. From the very first day there was a major difference. The boys napped for 40 minutes in the morning, and over an hour in the afternoon. Last night Kaan only woke up once (at 2.00am) and whinged for about an hour until he settled back to sleep till 7 am. Kerem didn't cry at all. He stirred once, I popped his dummy into his mouth and he slept till 6am.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The boys having proper naps have meant that I got to shower yesterday and today (something unheard of in the last few months - a shower two days in a row! Madness!!) It meant I get to finish my meals. It means I've had time to sit and write this post! I am hoping that within the next week or so, the boys will be sleeping through the night. How great would that be. It would mean not having to go to bed at 8.30 pm because I'm so shattered. It would mean having my evenings back! Who knows, I may be able to be me again very soon, rather than the slightly smelly, very moody, incoherent mad woman that I've become of late. Watch out people, I'll be back!