Sink or Swim?

I'm sitting here watching the boys sleeping peacefully side by side in their bouncers. Two little identically chubby faces turned the same direction contentedly in dreamland. As Kerem starts stirring and making little mousy sounds, I hold my breath, waiting to see if he'll wake up. When he relaxes and continues sleeping, I breathe a sigh of relief. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time holding and caring for my little boy, but I know that once he wakes up, it won't be long before Kaan stirs - and that's when the real fun begins!

The boys will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. Five weeks have whizzed by without me even realising. If you asked me what day of the week it is, or the date, or even the time, I would not be able to answer you, in fact you'd be lucky if I could tell you my name let alone the date! When I named this blog Baby Daze, I got it spot on - I am very much dazed and confused! But oh so in love. It is true that I hardly get any sleep, rest, food or even time for personal hygiene (gone are the days of long luxurious showers and facials or pampering), yet they are so worth it. If only I could now get over my fear of being alone with them....

I am usually a very capable person. I'm strong and independant and sensible. I've always been able to handle situations, no matter how hard they may seem. You either sink or swim, when faced with difficulty - I have always chosen to swim. Yet this is hard work! Much harder then what hubby and I thought and I'm afraid I need armbands in this case, to keep me afloat!

So far I've had my mum, husband and niece with me to help look after them. It takes four adults to manage two babies and a four year old! Today, for the first time since I left the hospital with them, I have been left alone with my boys. My mum is on holiday, hubby is back at work and my lovely niece (who has come to help while my mum is away) is out celebrating her birthday. My immediate thought was to panic at being left alone with them. "How will I cope?" "What do I do if they both wake up and need to be fed? If they are both crying?" When hubby first went back to work and I found out my mum was going on holiday I almost had a panic attack. I'm terrified of being left alone with my own children! I don't feel like I'll be able to cope and the idea scares me sensless. I'm very tired and ratty and feel run down. My niece came to my rescue thank god. Yet even she needs a day off. So while I reassured her that I could cope, and to go and enjoy her birthday, I tried to silence the voices in my head that were hysterically telling me they can't do it, that "we" cannot cope! "Run run" the voices are telling me, "go and hide". I know it makes no sense, yet I cannot get rid of the panic. But then I look at the two little angelic faces and realise they need me and I know in that instance, that I won't be running away anytime soon. Yes it's scary. For the first time in my life I don't know how to cope on my own. For the first time in my life, I need help even though I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for it. Well here's me asking... Wanna come round and keep me company? You may need to change a nappy or ten, and hold a baby or two, but I promise you, we'll entertain you! So what are you waiting for?!