Missed Me??

Its been just over a year since I last updated my blog. A combination of laziness, broken laptop and no time on my hands meant I've not been able to sit down and write for so long.  And oh, how I've missed it. This blog has been the last link to my writing days. For those who don't know me, my passion is writing. I have a BA honours in Creative Writing and I used to write a column for a local newspaper, which seems a lifetime ago now. So writing this blog, is the only bit of the 'old me' pre-children.  I'm happy to say that I now have a brand new PC, I'm trying to conquer the laziness, and so here I am! Unfortunately, I still have no time on my hands - in fact, even less so than before.  Becasue in the last year that I've not been able to update this blog, something happened to turn my world a little bit more chaotic. I've had a baby girl!!

Sooo I've gone from three beautiful children, to four now. Yes, I must be mad, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My beautiful girl Aylin, is a much wanted and welcome addition to our family. She is the last piece of the jigsaw. She completes us. The twins were not too sure about their new baby sister to begin with.  Kaan whom I thought would be affected the most, as he's a real mummy's boy, took it in his stride and was curious, but cautious about this small little creature that had suddenly become part of his world.  Kerem was inconsolable! He cried for two days, every time he was reminded of her, which was often.  He refused to give any of us cuddles and rejected us when we tried to comfort him.  I tried to get him to like his sister. I placed her on his lap and told him she was 'his baby', he pushed her away. I'd ask him to come and have a look at the baby, he angrily replied 'no baby!'. He'd walk away if I walked into the room holding her. It took alot of love, patience and cojoling to get him to come round and finally see that she is the best gift I could ever give them. Aylin is now three months old, and I'm happy to say that they love her to bits.  If she cries, they both run up to her and stroke her, saying 'no cry baby Aylin, no cry'.  Kerem took to calling her 'baby elephant' for awhile, but I'm sure he meant it in a nice way, as he loves elephants.

The boys have changed so much in the past year.  They still talk in their own language.  I still dont understand them. The good news is that they are also making an effort to talk English, as opposed to just 'Twinese'. They are putting sentences together and finally communicating with us in a language we understand! Kerem is a little more advanced than Kaan. He seems more confident to hold conversations.  Kaan on the other hand, prefers to talk in 'Kaanese' - his own unique language that only Kerem understands. They are so amazing to watch, especially when playing together.  They laugh, hug, sing together and fight, sometimes getting so vicious with each other that I have to break them up before they do any damage, yet there's no denying the bond that they so clearly have.  They've started nursery twice a week this week, so I'm hoping that will help them calm down and learn how to play and share more harmoniously.

Kaya, my big man, is as always my little helper.  Always trying to help, always so much more mature than his six years.  He adores his little sister and is very close to his brothers. He amazes me every day with how caring, loving, sensitive and protective he is of his siblings. I'm so very proud of him, even if I don't tell him as much as I should do.  For all of the help he gives us, I decided he needed an outlet - something that is just for him that doesn't involve the twins.  So we enrolled him into karate and he's been going for the last six months.  He's already onto his red belt and as with everything he does, hes brilliant at it. 

I'm sure that so much more has happened that I've skipped, but the important stuff have been covered. I'll try and update as often as my four monkeys let me. And will post a new picture soon.  Thank you for reading. I'll be back!

Seeing in the New Year

Hubby and I laid in bed in the dark last night, watching a romantic comedy with the subtitles on and the volume turned down, while eating dry roasted peanuts and having a small glass of Magners Pear Cider. This is how we saw the New Year in. No loud music. No dancing. No drunkeness. Just a couple lying in bed, watching a movie, and desperately trying not to wake their toddler twins, who are still in the same bedroom as us.Welcome 2012 - just make sure you come quietly as I want to make sure I get a good night's sleep. It would have gone to plan, except Kaan woke up several times and was sick everywhere, Kaya woke up crying because he fell asleep before I got to read him a bedtime story and Kerem decided to wake up and have a full blown conversation about God (and Kaan) know's what. Whatever he had to say, it sounded very important. Hopefully this year, I'll start to understand their conversations (either they'll learn my language, or I'll just have to learn theirs!). And so another year begins. We may not have partied like it's 1999. We may not have been surrounded by extended family and friends. It may not be the most exciting way to see the new year in, but it suited us just fine. Because I was with the most important people in my life; my husband and my sons. Until the boys are older, this is how it'll have to be. But that's ok, I'll happily give up parties to be with my little family.I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by. This time last year, we had moved in with my parents as I was struggling to look after the twins alone (I would have a panic attack at the thought of being alone with them). My mum was there for me from the moment the twins were born, but all the coming and going from my place to hers was tiring her out, so she asked us to come and stay with her and we accepted. The twins were 4.5 months old. They are now nearly 18 months (in two days time) and we finally feel ready to move back to our home. I no longer go into a mad panic at the thought of being alone with them. I no longer feel imcompetent. I know I can do it. Yes I'm sure I'll mess up and make mistakes along the way - but what mother doesn't?? Motherhood doesn't not come with a manual. You live it and learn through it.When I look into the faces of my three beautiful children, I realise that I can't be doing that badly, for I have three very happy, healthy boys who adore me. For now. In the words of the poet Philip Larkin "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you"........Every time I feel like a failure as a mother, I think of these verses, and have a little chuckle to myself. I'd like to think my parent's haven't messed me up. I seem quite sane (sometimes), I'm pretty normal (usually) and a lovely person (if I'm not crossed), so hopefully I won't be messing up my own kids. Hopefully....Soooo, Happy New Year to everyone. May it bring us all health, wealth & happiness. And may it bring me more sleep at nights, less fights to break up during the days and more of a social life. Amen!

Silence is Golden

Hey, can you hear that?? Listen very carefully, what can you hear? Nothing? EXACTLY! The silence surrounds me, like an old, much-missed familiar friend, licking my wounds and comforting my battered soul. I may sound like a drama queen, but silence is a complete and utter luxury these days - one of the rare gems that is sought after but hardly found. I sometimes try to escape for five minutes, just to have some time to myself, a little blissful silence. The only place I can go without anyone trying to stop me is the loo. So I make my excuses ("I need the loo again. I know I know, fifth time this morning, what can I say, I carried twins, weak bladder now!") and make a run for it. I manage a good 3 minutes of golden silence and time to myself before I'm dragged back to reality with a "NAAAAAZ, what are you doing in there?? Hurry up, the twins are behind the tv pulling the wires again!" Aaaah well, it was good while it lasted....

My beautiful boys are nearly 15 months old now and 'chaotic' is the most fitting word to use to describe our life at the moment. They are typical toddlers; curious, full of energy and mischief and think - well not think - KNOW that they rule the roost. My day consists of running after them, (often pulled in different directions), stopping them from climbing up furniture, wrecking the tv or beating each other up. I'm also often found rescuing their older brother who they've realised they can gang up on, or the cat, who is shivering in a corner, looking for an escape route! I'm starting to think that the Kray brothers have some competition on their hands - my 'K' twins are in training to be the new mafia about town in Essex!

I'm amazed I've found the time to write this blog this morning, but thankfully after terrorising and tag-teaming me and poor hubby all night and finally waking at 5am this morning, the boys are actually exhausted for a change and are having an early nap. I should be catching some zzzzzz too while I have the chance, but after 5 months of inactivity on my blog, I thought I'd use this opportunity for a quick update. But alas, it was not to last - one of my munckins has just woken up, so I'll have to say goodbye. I'll probably see you for another update in another 5 months or so - IF i'm still alive! :)

Birthday Boys

By the time I finish writing this post, it'll be midnight. 3rd July. Your birthday. I cannot believe a whole year has gone by already. This date last year, I was sitting on a gym ball, jumping up and down while listening to Rihana on my portable dvd player, hoping that all the jigging up and down would kickstart the labour. You - my boys - came crash, bang , wollop into my life a few hours later (6.03pm and 6.07pm), bringing me the type of happiness, exhaustion, love & pain that I never imagined was possible. You, my sons, have enriched my life in ways I can never explain, no matter how hard I try.

I once told my mum not long after Kaya was born, that it would be unfair to have anymore kids, because I loved Kaya so much that there could not possibly be more room left in my heart to love another child as I do him. I am so happy to say that I was very wrong. Yes my heart was too small to hold such a powerful love for three such beautiful boys like you - so it grew threehold to accomodate that love. It is now fit to burst and I am just so so so proud of all three of you and so happy that you have chosen me to be your mummy.

You have grown so much in the last year. You were both so tiny, so fragile looking, that I was too afraid to hold you. Now you are such big strapping boys. So full f energy, mischief and character. I look into those beautiful big brown eyes and cannot believe that I have twins! I have twins. Two, not one, TWO beautiful baby boys. As I sit here writing this, I can feel the tears at the tip of my eyelashes ready to fall. One year olds already. Where has the time flown??

I know that in a few years to come (in a blink of an eye), I will be sitting here in front of a PC, writing you your 16th birthday message, crying and gushing and smiling because my beautiful boys are now young men, making me proud of them every day. And I know you will my babies. My angels. Happy birthday Kaan. Happy Birthday Kerem. I love you so so much and I always will, no matter how many tantrums, or teenage strops that will be coming my way. May you have a birthday that is as wonderful, as special as you boys are! xxxx

You know when you're a twin mum when.......:)

This blog was inspired from a thread a fellow twin mum started on a forum. After I wrote my long list, I thought I'd share it with you.

You know when you're a twin mum when:

You get excited at the thought of going to Asda, cos THAT's a day out for you now!

Everyone at Asda knows yours and your twins names.

You have a fifteen minute conversation about your twins with a complete stranger at the shops.

You dress your twins the same not because its cute, because it's easier.

You see twins everywhere.

You get excited when you see a buy one get one free sign.

You approach a twin mum without hesitation.

You get really irritated when people mix up their names and bark the right name at them.

You have the biceps of a man as you're walking around all day carrying two babies.

Your back and shoulder-blades kill because of the above.

You drop something and without hesitation pick it up with your toes.

you feed two (in my case three) kids with one bowl one spoon in one go!

You want to punch anyone who says they're tired.

You can't go out the house without being stopped by random strangers.

You avoiding going places because your pushchair won't fit.

You hate packs of 3

You can spot a fellow twin mum a mile off (and not because she has her twins with her, but because of the air of exhaustion and desperation around them).

You never answer your phone anymore and you never return anyone's calls (no time!)

Waking up t 7am in the morning is a lie-in for you!

You're tucked up in bed and snoring away by 8pm every night.

You're lucky if you get to wash everyday.

You get annoyed at people who coo "aaaaah twins, I want twins"

You get annoyed at people who says "better you than me"

You get annoyed at someone who asks if twins run in the family.

You get annoyed if someone says "double trouble".

You get annoyed when people ask you "are they twins?" when it's clear that they are!

You get annoyed when you tell people they are identical and they then go on to ask if they are boy/girl twins!

You get annoyed when people ask if one's a boy and one's a girl when they are clearly BOTH dressed in blue.

You just get annoyed! lol

Shopping takes you twice as long as before.

The fact that people ask you intimate questions such as whether you are breastfeeding, whether you delievered them naturally and whether you had IVF to conceive twins doesn't faze you anymore.

You find yourself holding in your pee for HOURS and it becomes second nature and before you know it you don't even realise that you need to pee anymore, or that you've been holding on for the last 3 hours!!

Three hours sleep in one go seems like bliss.

You laugh hysterically when your partner mentions sex cos you know it's not happening anytime soon (you'll be lucky if you get any for the next two years buster!)

Your best friends are now ladies on a forum you've never met!

The idea of having a singleton seems like a piece of cake and you're now certain you could take care of a singleton with your eyes blindfolded and your hands tied behind your back.

You toy with the idea of returning to work full time so that you could get some rest!

But at the end of the day, you have two chubby little arms that go round you, two cute little faces to kiss, two gorgeous smiles that melt your heart and ALL that day's hardships melt away and you know its all worth it and that you are the luckiest woman alive.

The Milky Bars are no longer on me

My beautiful boys are exactly 11 months today. Eleven months has flown by in a heartbeat. Its a bit of a sad day for me today as I've finally admitted to myself that it is time to stop breastfeeding my little monkeys. They are just not interested in mummy milk anymore. The world around them is far more interesting to be stuck on mummy's lap, feeding. So for the last time this morning, I took my little boys onto my lap, breastfed them together (tandem), then apart for the very last time...

I took some pictures so that I can look back and reminice, then officially closed down the "Milk Bar" (my hubby's phrasing, not mine - he brought a whole new meaning to the line "the milky bars are on me"!). I feel relieved and sad all at the same time. I was never sure I'd be able to BF the twins, but I promised myself I'd try and I think I have done brillliantly, considering how hellish the first month. I should be happy I've done it this long and that I can finally have my boobs back, but it kind of feels like it's admitting they are now longer babies anymore but on their way to toddlerhood - I waaaant my babies baaaaaaaaaccckkk!!!

I'll miss the cuddles and that special feeling I got when they snuggled up against me, suckling away, sighing contentedly as they fell asleep in my arms. I will miss how they would dive into my chest, pulling at my top, trying to get to their mummy milk. I will miss that no matter what upset them, or how upset they were, it could all be so solved and the tears would immediately stop just by breastfeeding them. And most importantly I will miss the one-on-one quality time I had with each twin as I fed them.

So it's an end to one chapter, and I'm sure the beginning of a whole lot more. Four more weeks and we'll be celebrating their first birthday. I cannot believe how quickly a year has gone by - and more importantly, I cannot believe I survived it!! Must be made of stronger stuff than I thought.... Right, I'm off to chuck away my ugly nursing bras and buy some new underwired bras that will mean my breasts will be back to where they belong, rather than down my knees! Hubby is in for a treat, no more granny boobs! :)

Me, myself and I

To say that the last month or so has been a challenge would be an understatement! I knew it would be hard work the moment the words left my mum's mouth. She was going to Cyprus on holiday - for 5 weeks!! OMG how was I going to cope without her? What would I do without her help? Would I be able to manage?

I first realised how much I needed my mum when the boys were about 4 weeks old or so. For the first four weeks of their life my mum lived with me. She helped me with everything, from washing the boys, to putting them to sleep, and even cooking and cleaning for me. She would even take the boys from me at night and look after them, doing all the night feeds (with expressed breast milk), while I slept till the morning. But when she decided that she needed a night in her own home and was leaving me for the evening, I had a panic attack. I just didn't feel I could cope. Seeing me so panicked, my mum ended up coming and going for another 4 months until in the end, I decided it would just be easier for us to move in with her. That way I'd have her to hand 24/7!

So you can imagine my horror when my mum informed me she was off on holiday for a much needed, and a very much deserved break. I don't begrudge my mum anything, of course she must go, but I could feel that old familiar feeling of panic setting in. The boys were now 9 months old, very active, very demanding - I needed her more than ever, or so I thought. I kept how I was feeling under wraps though, as I didn't want to make her feel guilty, and other than the occasional joke about her abandoning me, I assured her I'd be fine.

And so for the first time since the boys were born, I was left completely to my own devices. There was my dad and hubby of course, and he would watch the boys if I needed a quick loo break or a quick shower, but other than that, there was not much he could do. As for hubby, he doesn't get home until after 6pm, which by then the boys are in bed. The biggest help dad did for me was to do the school runs for Kaya. Unfortunately my poor mum didn't get the rest she needed and ended up having an accident and hurt her back in the first week of her holiday, so my dad had to rush to Cyprus to be with her, leaving me completely alone...

And so the merri-go-round of school runs, feeding the boys, entertaining them, taking them up and down the stairs (one under each arm, who needs dumbells) bathing them alone etc, etc, began. Things that I would normally had help with, I had to learn to do alone. The feeling of panic, turned to desperation and depression. Until on the third day I realised something.... Not only was I coping, but I was enjoying it! The boys were thriving, and I was loving the fact that I had the boys all to myself, and managing just fine, thank you very much!

In those five weeks, my little men learnt how to crawl, pull themselves up on furniture and cruise and have started to babble away, having proper conversations with each other. Their gummy smiles and little personalities helped me pull through and see the bright side of things at the most difficult of moments. The hardest thing for us has been the nights. I think that there was so much change what with their nan then grandpa leaving, that the boys became very clingy and would wake several times a night wanting to sleep with us. Yet hubby and I coped. We got on with it and by the fourth week of my parents being away, I decided to tackle our sleepless nights too. It meant alot of willpower and a few tearful, frustrating and even more sleepless nights. After going cold turkey with the night feeds (they were still breastfeeding at night) and refusing to pick them up and using a little bit of the CC technique, we have managed to get the boys more settled at night. They are not sleeping through just yet, but in the last 3 nights, I've had more sleep than I've had in the last nine months! Hopefully they will soon settle even more and start sleeping through. Fingers crossed. Most importantly, I've learnt out of this experience that I am perfectly capable of looking after my boys, all by myself. Yes the house was a bit of a mess as I hardly had any spare time. Yes I went hungry as I didn't have time to cook. BUT I discovered that there's only three people I need to cope - me, myself and I - we can do just fine all on our own! :)

Getting to know you, getting to know all about youuuu....

You know the feeling you get when you meet someone new and you're in the early stages of your relationship where you are getting to know each other? The excitement you feel when spending time with them? The warm feeling inside when they look at you as if you are the most important person in the whole world? Well that's how I've been feeling these last two weeks. And who is the man making me feel like this I hear you say...Well there is two men making me feel like this. Two very special, gorgeous little men. Yes, you guessed it - Kaan and Kerem are responsible for the love bubble state that I'm going round in.

These last two weeks, my little men have changed so much, it's as if I am getting to know the "real them". At nearly nine months old, their little personalities are coming through, making me fall in love with them all over again. They are two of the cheekiest, funniest, cutest little boys ever. They clearly take after their big brother, who I'm sure has been giving them lessons in cheekiness on the sly! They have learnt how to clap on demand, wave, motion you to come with their hand, say grandpa in Turkish (dede) say mum in Turkish (anne, pronounced anneh), say come on in Turkish (hade) - all in the space of a couple of weeks! It's truly amazing how much they've developed in such a short space of time.

Their personalities are so different, both so special in their own way, that no matter how identical they may be, there is no mistaking who's who. Kaan is our little "Kirby" or "Teddy" as we like to call him. My mum calls him Kirby because he will eat absolutely anything you give him (he even devoured grapefruit!) and he eats so quickly - just hoovers it all up! Hubby and I call him Teddy as he is the most cuddliest baby ever. He loves being cuddled and kissed and squished and in return gives us lots of cuddles and kisses. He's definately the bossy and more sociable one of the two, always smiling and babbling at everyone, demanding they pay him attention & grabbing the toys of poor Kerem, even though he will have exactly the same toy in front of him. People always zone in on him first as he's very smiley and "talkative".

Kerem is "my little sparrow". I gave him this nickname from birth as he was just so tiny and fragile looking, that he reminded me of a baby bird. Funnily enough that nickname still applies, but for different reasons. He coos and makes the most adorable noises like a little bird and when he gets excited he starts flapping his arms, like he's trying to take off. He's a little bit more reserved and serious. He's more cautious of people he doesn't know, staring at them seriously, before even considering giving them a smile. Everyone thinks he's too serious and not a very smiley baby, but he just likes to suss you out first, before bestowing you with the most brightest, cheekiest smile ever. If you are patient enough to wait and play with him, you will be rewarded. He is more independant. He doesn't like too many cuddles and kisses - they have to be on his terms and when he's ready to give them to you. At first I thought that he didn't bond with me as well as Kaan and even told my mum that he seemed to prefer her to me as he seemed happier in nana's lap than mine, but in the last few weeks I'm started to get his personality more and our bond has become stronger because of it. I now know that patience and perseverence is the key to unlocking Kerem's heart and getting those sloppy kisses from him.

Tomorrow is my birthday. If anyone had told me a few years back that I'd be celebrating my 31st birthday with three beautiful boys and I'd be a twin mummy I'd have laughed in their face. Having twins has been the biggest shock ever - I never wanted twins (I just never considered the possibility), I just assumed we would have one more baby and that would be our family. BUT the moment I knew of the twins existence, my life changed forever. They are my destiny and I am totally in love with them. I am so glad they chose me as their mummy. Tomorrow will be one of the best birthdays I will ever have, as I have three little sets of chubby arms ready to give me cuddles, and that's the best birthday present I could ever wish for!

Pass me the Prozac please!

This week has been a very tough week for me so far. I feel like every nerve in my body is on edge and my temper levels are sky high. I am like a volcano that is about to erupt, spewing all my frustrations, impatience, anger and resentment onto any poor sod that had the audacity to cross my path (it usually tends to be poor hubby). That icelandic volcano has nothing on me!

From someone on the outside looking in, I probably seem like a silly, ungrateful cow, who doesn't know how lucky she is. Far from it. I count my lucky stars everyday. For I have the most precious, wonderful, beautiful three boys that any woman could ever have. They are my angels (sometimes my devils!), my good luck charms, my pride and joy. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that I am only human and I have human-like feelings! I am not superwoman. I am not a robot. I am not a vampire that can do without sleep! (How I envy those Cullens right now). I cannot live on air alone, I need food occasionally. I do not have superhuman powers and boundless energy - I need rest on rare occasions! Yet I am on the go 24/7. I wake up countless of times through the night, either turning a baby over (who has flipped onto his front, then struggled like a little turtle on his shell, to get back over but cannot), fetching water for another, trying to calm a screaming baby down or just wondering the house aimlessly, feeling on edge because I think there is something I should be doing, but can't remember what (note to self: you're meant to be sleeping hun!).

The twins are getting more and more aware of their sorroundings by the day. They want to be part of the action; tasting everything, touching everything, seeing all around them. It is such a fantastic age to be at, when they realise that there is so much more than the small bubble of mum, dad and booby that has been their world so far and they want to experiment and explore. For me though, this part of their lives is tinged with a little sadness. Sadness that I don't have the luxury of time like I had with Kaya, to spend helping them explore. The guilt of being a twin mum and having to split your attention three ways is getting to me. Combined with the sleepless nights, the hunger pangs, and the painful knees and shoulder blades (you try carrying around two 19lb babies non-stop!) has turned me into a depressed, moody monster. The twins have also had a bad week. I put them in seperate cots for the first time on Sunday and I'm quickly getting the feeling that the boys do not like being apart! They kept me up until 3am the other night, screeching their protests at being seperated and demanding to be united. Unfortunately I cannot put them back together again as they are just too big for one cot.

So here it is. A week in the life of a twin mum. Stress? Plenty! Frustration? In abundance. Guilt?? Bucket load. All the ingredients of being me. I felt very sorry for myself last night and I lied in bed (after Kerem decided that mummy wasn't allowed to watch her programme and screamed every time I even thought about leaving the room) with my little man in my arms and sobbed. Poor hubby sat by the side of the bed, trying to sympathise with me. "I know what you are going through Naz, I'm going through it too".

Oh really? Do you wake up about 15 times in the middle of the night? Do you breasfeed TWO babies all day?? Do you carry at least one (very heavy) baby in your arms throughout the whole day -sometimes two- trying to entertain them constantly? To you tend to a very jelous four year old who thinks that mummy no longer loves him, then get annoyed at his constant demands for attention, tell him off, then suffer from severe guilt for being such a crap mother?? Do you hold your pee in all day long, only to find yourself wondering why the heck you bladder is burning, then realise you've needed a loo break for the last 4 hours and not had the chance to go?? Does your life revolve around the same 4 walls that you've confined yourself in, cos you are too scared to go out alone in case the twins play up and you can't handle them? Are you starved off human adult contact? Then it is safe to say, you don't know what I am going through!!

I will survive this....I will look back on it one day and think "what was all the fuss about?" I will take one glance at my sons and know that I did a fantastic job and that it was worth every sleepless night, every pain, every blood, sweat and tears that I've shed. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know I have gorgeous children and I shouldn't be feeling this way. And everytime I look into those beautiful brown eyes, everytime I get one of those wonderful gummy smiles, I come to my senses. But now and then I need to wallow in self pity. Now and then, I feel down. Because I am human. And I do feel...

Hush little babies don't you cry.....

I'm sure that from reading my blog you've noticed that I'm not in the best of states lately. Six months of demand feeding the little men, of waking up countless of times in the night - in fact hardly sleeping, of not getting any rest during the day due to the fact that the boys won't nap for more than 10 minutes intervals and when they are awake, want to be constantly held, has resulted in me being a permanent moody, emotional, tramp! (Not tramp in the slutty way but tramp as in I don't get to wash lately!)

I have therefore decided that for my sanity's sake I must use the "controlled crying method" to get the boys sleeping through the night and napping better during the day. For those of you who are not familiar with CC, here's how it works: You settle baby down while still awake and leave the room. Return in 5 minutes to pop dummy in mouth (if they take one) and to soothe them (I stroke their head or pat their bottom) for a couple of minutes, then leave the room again, even if they are still crying. Return at 10/15/20/30 minute intervals and repeat process until they fall asleep. I actually thought this method was quite harsh and I wanted to avoid it as I can't even hear my little men cry for 5 seconds, let alone 5 minutes. But desperate times, desperate measures! And so with the help and support of a fellow twin mum, who talked me through the process, and with a very heavy heart and nervous mind, we began on Wednesday.

Today is day three, and I cannot believe the change in the boys! Firstly I have to say, the method wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, although I have adjusted the times I go in as there's no way I could leave them to cry for more than 10 mins. So after 2-5 minutes, I go in, replace dummy, soothe and leave. From the very first day there was a major difference. The boys napped for 40 minutes in the morning, and over an hour in the afternoon. Last night Kaan only woke up once (at 2.00am) and whinged for about an hour until he settled back to sleep till 7 am. Kerem didn't cry at all. He stirred once, I popped his dummy into his mouth and he slept till 6am.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The boys having proper naps have meant that I got to shower yesterday and today (something unheard of in the last few months - a shower two days in a row! Madness!!) It meant I get to finish my meals. It means I've had time to sit and write this post! I am hoping that within the next week or so, the boys will be sleeping through the night. How great would that be. It would mean not having to go to bed at 8.30 pm because I'm so shattered. It would mean having my evenings back! Who knows, I may be able to be me again very soon, rather than the slightly smelly, very moody, incoherent mad woman that I've become of late. Watch out people, I'll be back!

Life is a rollercoaster?? Stop I wanna get off!!!

The last 6 months has been like a rollercoaster. So many highs and lows that I'm dizzy from it all. I cannot believe that my beautiful boys are going to be 6 months next week (3rd Jan). Already half a year has flown by. I look at them through my bloodshot sleepless eyes and I'm filled with awe.

Yet I'm also filled with fear - "please don't wake up baby, mummy needs to pee!" "Have 10 more minutes sleep sweetheart, mummy needs to wash" and my personal favorite thought "please don't dive into my chest baby, mummy's nipple needs to heal, otherwise it will drop off"!! Even as I am writing this, I have one of my cheeky chappies on my lap, desperately trying to get to (his) booby. I have become a cow, always ready to be milked! (is that even a word??)

I have never been so in love, or so exhausted in my life. I am totally obsessed with these little miracles, but also slightly peeved off (yes I admit it - but I am only human) that I have no life at the moment. I do not recognise myself anymore. The groomed, witty, intelligent Naz has gone, to be replaced with a gibbering, sleepless, messy wreck who can only comprehend baby talk! Am I making any sense?? Probably not. Am I contradicting myself?? Hell yeah - but what do you expect from a woman that has about 3 hours broken sleep (if i'm lucky) ever night for the past 6 months?

Having twins has taught me so much. I never realised how much patience I really had in me if I just practiced it. Never realised how much love could pour out of every pore and how that love can be split equally between all three of my beautiful boys. Never realised how much guilt a mother feels when she thinks she's failing and realises that no matter how much she loves all her children, sometimes its impossible to split your attention three ways. Never realised how I could control my bladder so well and hold my pee in all day until bedtime becuase I just don't have time for loo breaks (oooh the glamourous life of being a twin mum). Never realised just how selfless I can be...

Yes it's hard work. You have no idea how hard, unless you are in the same position (or unless you are superwoman). I have so much admiration for twin/multiple mums, and I can now spot them a mile off (and not because they have twins with them smartarse!) as they are the ladies who look slighlty unkempt, a little dazed and confused with bloodshot eyes, but with an air of strentgh and extreme determination about them. Cos you have to be a strong woman to survive twins. A friend of mine told me that God only sends twins to strong women as we are the ones that can handle them - how right she was!

Love Bubble

It's been ages since I last wrote. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of baby clothes, nappies and sleepless nights. It has been one of the most stressful, exhausting and emotional times of my life - yet it has also been the most incredible time. My beautiful boys are now four months old and I am totally and utterly in love with them.

The first time I felt love like this was when Kaya was born. My tiny little pink bundle instantly taught me what love was really about the moment he was placed in my arms. I looked into those beautiful grey eyes of his and realised what life was all about. I knew, right there in that hospital room that I would do anything for him. Give up my life for him. Kill for him. I remember saying to my mum shortly after he was born, "I don't think I should have anymore children, it just wouldn't be fair on the next one. How could I love anyone ever again the same way I love him - I just don't have any room left in my heart". My mum laughed at me and told me not to be silly and that you will love all your children the same. I didn't believe her.

When Kaan & Kerem exploded into my life I realised how wrong I was. Not only was I fortunate enough to be able to have another child, but God sent me two to test out my prior theory! Mums are always right - not only do I love them as much as I love Kaya, my love for all my children is equal. I feel so lucky to have three beautiful, healthy boys. And the twins make me feel very very special. It is such an honour to be a "twin mum".

I was going to write all about my sleepless nights and the several occasions we had to dash to doctors and hospital as the boys developed bronchilitis but to be honest with you, I'm in such a love bubble over the twins, that the bad has already been erased from my mind. Sleepless nights?? Who needs sleep when I have the most adorable babies to sit and watch all night! Long, agonising wait in A&E?? A distant memory! Getting pee'd on several times a day - it's only a bit of rose water from my precious flowers! The boys are worth all the tiredness, stress and pain I may go through. Double Trouble? No. Double the love?? Hell Yeah!! Must dash now, my lil angels are awake and waiting for mummy milk....

Sink or Swim?

I'm sitting here watching the boys sleeping peacefully side by side in their bouncers. Two little identically chubby faces turned the same direction contentedly in dreamland. As Kerem starts stirring and making little mousy sounds, I hold my breath, waiting to see if he'll wake up. When he relaxes and continues sleeping, I breathe a sigh of relief. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time holding and caring for my little boy, but I know that once he wakes up, it won't be long before Kaan stirs - and that's when the real fun begins!

The boys will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. Five weeks have whizzed by without me even realising. If you asked me what day of the week it is, or the date, or even the time, I would not be able to answer you, in fact you'd be lucky if I could tell you my name let alone the date! When I named this blog Baby Daze, I got it spot on - I am very much dazed and confused! But oh so in love. It is true that I hardly get any sleep, rest, food or even time for personal hygiene (gone are the days of long luxurious showers and facials or pampering), yet they are so worth it. If only I could now get over my fear of being alone with them....

I am usually a very capable person. I'm strong and independant and sensible. I've always been able to handle situations, no matter how hard they may seem. You either sink or swim, when faced with difficulty - I have always chosen to swim. Yet this is hard work! Much harder then what hubby and I thought and I'm afraid I need armbands in this case, to keep me afloat!

So far I've had my mum, husband and niece with me to help look after them. It takes four adults to manage two babies and a four year old! Today, for the first time since I left the hospital with them, I have been left alone with my boys. My mum is on holiday, hubby is back at work and my lovely niece (who has come to help while my mum is away) is out celebrating her birthday. My immediate thought was to panic at being left alone with them. "How will I cope?" "What do I do if they both wake up and need to be fed? If they are both crying?" When hubby first went back to work and I found out my mum was going on holiday I almost had a panic attack. I'm terrified of being left alone with my own children! I don't feel like I'll be able to cope and the idea scares me sensless. I'm very tired and ratty and feel run down. My niece came to my rescue thank god. Yet even she needs a day off. So while I reassured her that I could cope, and to go and enjoy her birthday, I tried to silence the voices in my head that were hysterically telling me they can't do it, that "we" cannot cope! "Run run" the voices are telling me, "go and hide". I know it makes no sense, yet I cannot get rid of the panic. But then I look at the two little angelic faces and realise they need me and I know in that instance, that I won't be running away anytime soon. Yes it's scary. For the first time in my life I don't know how to cope on my own. For the first time in my life, I need help even though I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for it. Well here's me asking... Wanna come round and keep me company? You may need to change a nappy or ten, and hold a baby or two, but I promise you, we'll entertain you! So what are you waiting for?!

Welcome to the World my beautiful babies

On Saturday 3rd July my beautiful baby boys entered the world. Baby Kaan was born at 6.03pm, closely followed by baby Kerem at 6.07pm. I'm very proud to say that I had a relatively quick and natural delivery. Kaan weighed 5lb 8 oz and Kerem a mere 4lb 13oz.

Since their birth life for us has been a whirlwind. We have no concept of time or day - it has all just merged into one, filled with nappies, milk, laughter (ours from the joy of our boys) and tears.

The tears are mainly from the boys, when they are demanding more "mummy milk". Occasionally the tears have been mine. Tears of joy that I have finally had two healthy, beautiful babies after 9 months of worry and pain. Tears of frustration (how do I hold and feed both babies at the same time???), from the lack of sleep and tears from the pain of breastfeeding (I forgot just how painful it had been the first time round).

As I sit here attempting to write this blog, I am drawing complete blanks as to how to put into words how I feel, because words cannot express it. For the first time I am finding it difficult to express myself through writing. Words seem empty and incompetent. Yet I shall try.

My boys (all three of them) are my greatest, most proudest achievement of my life. They are my sunshine, my hopes and dreams. They are what makes it worth getting up in the morning (even when I haven't slept all night). I look at them and I'm filled with such pride and hope for them that it actually physically hurts. The twins are so little at the moment and so fragile, that I feel an overwhelming desire to protect them. I can easily imagine what a tigress feels like, over her little cubs - very easily understand how you would tear someone or something apart if they were to even attempt to hurt them. Being a mother is the most confusing feeling ever. You feel helpless and strong at the same time.

Kaan and Kerem are already showing their individual personalities. Kaan (the eldest by 4 mins) is "my grumpy old man". He tends to whinge and tell you off (yes, a 5 day old baby can tell you off - if only you could hear the tone he uses when whining!) about everything. Doesnt like his nappy changed, doesn't like to try to hard for his milk (if he has to suckle for too long he gets annoyed and starts beating the breast with his little fists!) and will pee on you if you upset him in anyway (he peed on the midwife who gave him his vitaming K shot). He insists on having his arms out and hates to be swaddled. And when he gets hungry or upset, he waves his little fists in the air, demanding attention! He loves to be held and gazes up at you with the most trusting, piercing stare that completely melts your heart.

Kerem is "my little sparrow (kucuk sercem). He is the most tiniest, most fragile looking thing - he looks like a doll. Yet do not be deceived by his size. He is tiny but mighty. For the first 24 hours of his life, he had to have heel prick tests to check his blood sugar levels (as he was so small) every 3 hours, yet he hardly made a sound every time they pricked him, and seemed unfazed by it. He can already lift up his head for a good look around at the world and he seems very protective of his brother, always opening his eyes to check he's next to him in the cot, before falling asleep again. I cannot wait to see them grow and develop into their personalities even more and I have bonded with them on equal levels instantly.

Their big brother Kaya seems infatuated with them, and although he is showing some signs of jealousy, it is not targeted at his brothers, he's just demanding our attention more. He is very loving towards the boys and I am really looking forward to seeing their relationship develop. I am truly blessed to have three such wonderful, beautiful, healthy boys - I am a very lucky lady!

Now I'm going to go and get some much needed sleep - if I can tear myself away from watching the boys sleep!

D-Day Dawns!

Well after weeks of silence, I feel its time for another post. Not been doing too much really, same as usual, glued to sofa, not able to move, watching belly grow and move and hoping the weeks whiz by! Well whiz by they did! I cannot believe that I am 36 weeks 2 days today and tomorrow I am being induced!

Saw my consultant yesterday and was checked over. Shocked to find out that I'm already 3 cm dilated. I have been getting some pains for the last few days, but as this whole pregnancy has been quite painful, I just put it down to "one of those things when carrying twins" - little did I know that the boys are preparing to enter the world!

So my consultant has booked me in for Saturday 3rd July to be induced, unless things happen before, and I've been sent home to sit and play the waiting game. Had a really rough night last night and feeling knackered today. Wondering where I'm going to find the strentgh and energy for tomorrow's delivery. Funny thing is that as I write this, I'm not feeling any fear, or nerves or even excitement - think I may still be in denial that it's happening. I am a little worried, as the consultant did say we will have to stay in hospital for a few days as the twins will be early and may need a little help. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers - the next time I will update this blog, I will have my boys cradled in my arms insallah.

Cry Baby....

For the last few days or so, I have been feeling really down. I knew that the last few weeks were going to be the hardest - every pregnancy is hard towards the end. What I wasn't counting on was the overwhelming feeling of lonliness that I have. No matter where I am, or who I'm with, I just feel so alone. I feel like I have this massive responsibility heading my way and I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with it.

I guess reality is setting in as the days are getting nearer. When I first found out I was expecting twins I was so scared. Yet every single member of my family told me that we can do this and that I wasn't alone - they would be there for me and help me. But the fact of the matter is, everyone has their own problems, their own lives to lead and their own issues to solve. They cannot, however much they want to, always be there for me. So I have become housebound, prisoner of this goddam sofa that I'm growing to hate and only my four year old son for company. Hubby gets home by 6.30 of course. Yet after a hard day's work, the last thing he wants or needs, is to entertain me. And so my poor little boy is watching his mum become more and more emotional & teary, resulting in his own insecurities! No wonder he's started to wet the bed again, after doing sooo well for months.

So as I sit here in the dark once again, alone, sleepless (I've become an insomniac lately), depressed and feeling downright guilty for being such a shitty mother, I'm wondering what can pull me through this dark hole I seem to be spiralling towards. I should be feeling excited. I should be looking forward to my new babies. So why am I being such a cry baby?......

Shower me with love

We had a baby shower yesterday. First one I've ever attended (or thrown for that matter) so it was interesting to set up. At least it gave me something to do, other than sitting on my sofa and sleeping! Considering we are amateurs at the whole baby shower thing (until now, it's not a very common thing in the UK), it went rather well and we had fun. Thank you to all my friends and family who attended, and for all the lovely gifts. We were truly spoilt. When I first told one of my sister's that I was going to throw a baby shower, she said "but the babies aren't here yet, who are we meant to shower??" Bless, her! I explained to her that you don't shower someone literally, it's just called that, to which she replied "oh good, cos I thought seeing as the babies aren't here, we were going to wash you!" What a horrifying idea - although saying that, it has been a looong time that my feet got a good scrub, so it would probably be quite helpful to get someone to wash me.....

I will be 32 weeks on Wednesday and I have to say, I'm reaaally feeling it now. I just ache all over, I can no longer walk, I've been sleeping on the reclining sofa for the last 2 weeks as I cannot lie in bed comfortably, feel like an overturned tortoise while trying to get out of bed and cannot really eat much as I have no space left in my stomach. The movements and kicks of the boys are very strong and intense now and actually hurt. So to say I'm starting to struggle, is an understatement. How am I going to cope for the next 5 weeks???

On the upside, I am getting alot of sleep at the moment (I keep dozing off on the sofa, I feel drugged!) so I'm hoping that when the boys are here and screaming in unison at 3am in the morning, I can look back to this time and think "well you had your share of sleep for the year, now get on with it" and hopefully this will be some sort of comfort to me...I know what you're thinking - I'm deluded! Just remind me of these words when I'm complaining about the lack of sleep in a few weeks time!

Pass the Red Bull!

I am so exhausted that I haven't even had the energy to write lately. Hence the silence. I decided to force myself to sit down with the laptop, and turn my attention to my blog, rather than idly reading the Baby and Bump forum, which I must say, has become my best friend in the past few weeks.

I am 27 weeks and 1 day pregnant today - but I feel and look about 12 months pregnant! My body is slowly shutting down on me. I can't move, think, or even speak. In fact, my sister actually thought I'd been secretly hitting the bottle as I was slurring my words so much the other day!! I had to convince her that the only type of bottle on my mind lately, is which type of bottle is best used for breastfed babies! (I've decided to go with Nuk bottles, in case you're wondering).

I knew that carrying twins must be hard work, but I don't think you ever comprehend just how hard it is, unless it happens to you. My hormones are ALL over the place (I cry at the drop of a hat), the mood swings are horrendous, and as for the pain and discomfort - lets not even go there! I look like an elephant yet feel as fragile as Humpty Dumpty (I will crack I tell you!).

This pregnancy has been a learning curve for me. It has taught me resistance ( I will resist the urge to hit hubby over the head with the frying pan, no matter how much he's annoying me), patience (I must stop rushing around as I don't want to faint from the head rush), determination (I CAN put my own underwear on if I just try a little harder to lift up my damn leg!) and the ability to swallow my pride and accept help from my loved ones, when it is offered.

I phoned up one of my sisters yesterday in tears. I needed to get my frustrations out so I moaned to her about the lack of energy and how the place was a mess, yet how I couldn't clean up because I hardly had the energy to even move from my sofa! I cried that I didn't even have the energy to cook ,so had been living on toast for breakfast and lunch lately, until hubby came home to cook. My sister immediately offered to come round and help after an appointment she had. At first I declined her offer and told her I wasn't hinting for help, just merely having a moan and that I would be far too embarrassed to have my sis come and clean for me. She insisted that I didn't have to do this on my own, after all "what are family for?" A few hours later, she came to my rescue with her friend, rubber gloves in one hand, lunch for me in the other! I am eternally grateful to her for all the support and help she has given me since the beginning of this pregnancy.

I am hoping the next 10 weeks that I have left whizz by. I am sure that once my little men are here, it will be very hard work, but at least I will gain back control of my body. In the meantime, all I can say is - pass me the Red Bull. Apparently, it gives you wings. Maybe then I can fly off this sofa...

A little bit of background....

As I've started this blog late rather than at the beginning of my pregnancy, I really should do a quick update on the missing weeks. After finding out about the twins at my 12 week scan, I was told I would be scanned every two weeks starting from 16 weeks onwards, to keep an eye on the babies' growth. Reason for this is because as they are identical, they are at risk of getting Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS). This is a condition where one twin gets most of the nutrients (they share a placenta) while the other starves, and can be fatal for both babies.

Of course the moment I heard I'm carrying twins I came home and frantically googled identical twins, hoping to learn more about what to expect. When I read about TTTS my concerns and anxieties I already had quadrupled!! I couldn't stop worrying! The next 4 weeks seemed like the longest in my life, waiting for the date to finally arrive for my next scan. Unfortunately, it didn't put my mind at rest, as I had a terrible consultant who had no bedside manner. She explained the reason for the regular scans and the risks of TTTS, telling me that both babies "could die" if they get it! I was horrified at the way she put it. Rather than reassuring me and calming me down, I left that appointment a nervous wreck. I will not bore you with the details, but to cut a long story short, I complained and got my consultant changed. I am now in the care of a lovely and very capable consultant and I'm happy to report that all is well with the boys. Oh yeah, I found out I'm having two more boys! Aaaaah the testosterone levels that will be in our household!! Hopefully it won't result in me growing hairs on my chest!

I was signed off work at 20 weeks, so have been at home (barely moving from my trusty old sofa, I'm sure there's a bum dent in it now!) for the last 6 weeks. I am going out of my mind with boredom and frustration as I am really not used to sitting around doing nothing, but if it means my boys are growing well and will stay put for longer, than so be it. And so here we are today! Twenty six weeks and 1 day pregnant, and as huge as an elephant! Now where did I put that second chocolate bar....

Birthday Blues?

It is my dear hubby's 40th birthday today. "Farty at forty", he keeps telling me! Not quite sure why he wants to joke about flatulence, but he has one of those sense of humours. I think it stems from the fear of getting old - laugh it off and it trivialises it. The idea of being a dad to three small children somewhat scares him slightly. "Will I have the energy to run after them and play with them?" Course you won't, I joke back, but that has nothing to do with your age!

It isn't just him with these niggly worries. Nearly three weeks ago I celebrated my 30th. Well, I say celebrated, but to be honest with you, when you are 23 weeks pregnant with twins, you can hardly move from the spot, let alone celebrate! I had grand plans for our birthdays this year. We were both reaching important milestones so I was going to arrange big parties - maybe a joint one. Yet our twins had other ideas and decided to join the party and so our focus changed from us, to them - naturally! Now the only thing that will be keeping me up in the small hours of the night, is not my partying, but my weak bladder. As I sit wide awake at 3am in the morning, on the edge of the bed in the dark, trying to reason with twin 1 that kicking mummy in the bladder at this hour is really not on, I wonder if I am truly prepared for the double delights that will come with twins! "OMG OMG I'll never sleep again", goes the mantra in my head.

I am 26 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Every week is a great achievement for me as I know that twins can come early. So the more my little buns cook, the more I can relax and try to enjoy the pregnancy. After all, this will be the last time I'll be pregnant. The last time I will feel a baby move and kick inside me. The last time I will be creating a miracle (two miracles!). So I try to remind myself to enjoy it. Yes, even the difficult parts of the pregnancy, and believe me, there are plenty of them!

And so as I wish hubby a very happy birthday, and remind him that you're as old as the woman you feel (so you're only 30 babe!) I promise him that we are going to celebrate an important birthday this year - the birthday of our twins in approximately 12 weeks time - and what can be more important or exciting than that!?!