You know the feeling you get when you meet someone new and you're in the early stages of your relationship where you are getting to know each other? The excitement you feel when spending time with them? The warm feeling inside when they look at you as if you are the most important person in the whole world? Well that's how I've been feeling these last two weeks. And who is the man making me feel like this I hear you say...Well there is two men making me feel like this. Two very special, gorgeous little men. Yes, you guessed it - Kaan and Kerem are responsible for the love bubble state that I'm going round in.
These last two weeks, my little men have changed so much, it's as if I am getting to know the "real them". At nearly nine months old, their little personalities are coming through, making me fall in love with them all over again. They are two of the cheekiest, funniest, cutest little boys ever. They clearly take after their big brother, who I'm sure has been giving them lessons in cheekiness on the sly! They have learnt how to clap on demand, wave, motion you to come with their hand, say grandpa in Turkish (dede) say mum in Turkish (anne, pronounced anneh), say come on in Turkish (hade) - all in the space of a couple of weeks! It's truly amazing how much they've developed in such a short space of time.
Their personalities are so different, both so special in their own way, that no matter how identical they may be, there is no mistaking who's who. Kaan is our little "Kirby" or "Teddy" as we like to call him. My mum calls him Kirby because he will eat absolutely anything you give him (he even devoured grapefruit!) and he eats so quickly - just hoovers it all up! Hubby and I call him Teddy as he is the most cuddliest baby ever. He loves being cuddled and kissed and squished and in return gives us lots of cuddles and kisses. He's definately the bossy and more sociable one of the two, always smiling and babbling at everyone, demanding they pay him attention & grabbing the toys of poor Kerem, even though he will have exactly the same toy in front of him. People always zone in on him first as he's very smiley and "talkative".
Kerem is "my little sparrow". I gave him this nickname from birth as he was just so tiny and fragile looking, that he reminded me of a baby bird. Funnily enough that nickname still applies, but for different reasons. He coos and makes the most adorable noises like a little bird and when he gets excited he starts flapping his arms, like he's trying to take off. He's a little bit more reserved and serious. He's more cautious of people he doesn't know, staring at them seriously, before even considering giving them a smile. Everyone thinks he's too serious and not a very smiley baby, but he just likes to suss you out first, before bestowing you with the most brightest, cheekiest smile ever. If you are patient enough to wait and play with him, you will be rewarded. He is more independant. He doesn't like too many cuddles and kisses - they have to be on his terms and when he's ready to give them to you. At first I thought that he didn't bond with me as well as Kaan and even told my mum that he seemed to prefer her to me as he seemed happier in nana's lap than mine, but in the last few weeks I'm started to get his personality more and our bond has become stronger because of it. I now know that patience and perseverence is the key to unlocking Kerem's heart and getting those sloppy kisses from him.
Tomorrow is my birthday. If anyone had told me a few years back that I'd be celebrating my 31st birthday with three beautiful boys and I'd be a twin mummy I'd have laughed in their face. Having twins has been the biggest shock ever - I never wanted twins (I just never considered the possibility), I just assumed we would have one more baby and that would be our family. BUT the moment I knew of the twins existence, my life changed forever. They are my destiny and I am totally in love with them. I am so glad they chose me as their mummy. Tomorrow will be one of the best birthdays I will ever have, as I have three little sets of chubby arms ready to give me cuddles, and that's the best birthday present I could ever wish for!
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Pass me the Prozac please!
This week has been a very tough week for me so far. I feel like every nerve in my body is on edge and my temper levels are sky high. I am like a volcano that is about to erupt, spewing all my frustrations, impatience, anger and resentment onto any poor sod that had the audacity to cross my path (it usually tends to be poor hubby). That icelandic volcano has nothing on me!
From someone on the outside looking in, I probably seem like a silly, ungrateful cow, who doesn't know how lucky she is. Far from it. I count my lucky stars everyday. For I have the most precious, wonderful, beautiful three boys that any woman could ever have. They are my angels (sometimes my devils!), my good luck charms, my pride and joy. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that I am only human and I have human-like feelings! I am not superwoman. I am not a robot. I am not a vampire that can do without sleep! (How I envy those Cullens right now). I cannot live on air alone, I need food occasionally. I do not have superhuman powers and boundless energy - I need rest on rare occasions! Yet I am on the go 24/7. I wake up countless of times through the night, either turning a baby over (who has flipped onto his front, then struggled like a little turtle on his shell, to get back over but cannot), fetching water for another, trying to calm a screaming baby down or just wondering the house aimlessly, feeling on edge because I think there is something I should be doing, but can't remember what (note to self: you're meant to be sleeping hun!).
The twins are getting more and more aware of their sorroundings by the day. They want to be part of the action; tasting everything, touching everything, seeing all around them. It is such a fantastic age to be at, when they realise that there is so much more than the small bubble of mum, dad and booby that has been their world so far and they want to experiment and explore. For me though, this part of their lives is tinged with a little sadness. Sadness that I don't have the luxury of time like I had with Kaya, to spend helping them explore. The guilt of being a twin mum and having to split your attention three ways is getting to me. Combined with the sleepless nights, the hunger pangs, and the painful knees and shoulder blades (you try carrying around two 19lb babies non-stop!) has turned me into a depressed, moody monster. The twins have also had a bad week. I put them in seperate cots for the first time on Sunday and I'm quickly getting the feeling that the boys do not like being apart! They kept me up until 3am the other night, screeching their protests at being seperated and demanding to be united. Unfortunately I cannot put them back together again as they are just too big for one cot.
So here it is. A week in the life of a twin mum. Stress? Plenty! Frustration? In abundance. Guilt?? Bucket load. All the ingredients of being me. I felt very sorry for myself last night and I lied in bed (after Kerem decided that mummy wasn't allowed to watch her programme and screamed every time I even thought about leaving the room) with my little man in my arms and sobbed. Poor hubby sat by the side of the bed, trying to sympathise with me. "I know what you are going through Naz, I'm going through it too".
Oh really? Do you wake up about 15 times in the middle of the night? Do you breasfeed TWO babies all day?? Do you carry at least one (very heavy) baby in your arms throughout the whole day -sometimes two- trying to entertain them constantly? To you tend to a very jelous four year old who thinks that mummy no longer loves him, then get annoyed at his constant demands for attention, tell him off, then suffer from severe guilt for being such a crap mother?? Do you hold your pee in all day long, only to find yourself wondering why the heck you bladder is burning, then realise you've needed a loo break for the last 4 hours and not had the chance to go?? Does your life revolve around the same 4 walls that you've confined yourself in, cos you are too scared to go out alone in case the twins play up and you can't handle them? Are you starved off human adult contact? Then it is safe to say, you don't know what I am going through!!
I will survive this....I will look back on it one day and think "what was all the fuss about?" I will take one glance at my sons and know that I did a fantastic job and that it was worth every sleepless night, every pain, every blood, sweat and tears that I've shed. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know I have gorgeous children and I shouldn't be feeling this way. And everytime I look into those beautiful brown eyes, everytime I get one of those wonderful gummy smiles, I come to my senses. But now and then I need to wallow in self pity. Now and then, I feel down. Because I am human. And I do feel...
From someone on the outside looking in, I probably seem like a silly, ungrateful cow, who doesn't know how lucky she is. Far from it. I count my lucky stars everyday. For I have the most precious, wonderful, beautiful three boys that any woman could ever have. They are my angels (sometimes my devils!), my good luck charms, my pride and joy. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that I am only human and I have human-like feelings! I am not superwoman. I am not a robot. I am not a vampire that can do without sleep! (How I envy those Cullens right now). I cannot live on air alone, I need food occasionally. I do not have superhuman powers and boundless energy - I need rest on rare occasions! Yet I am on the go 24/7. I wake up countless of times through the night, either turning a baby over (who has flipped onto his front, then struggled like a little turtle on his shell, to get back over but cannot), fetching water for another, trying to calm a screaming baby down or just wondering the house aimlessly, feeling on edge because I think there is something I should be doing, but can't remember what (note to self: you're meant to be sleeping hun!).
The twins are getting more and more aware of their sorroundings by the day. They want to be part of the action; tasting everything, touching everything, seeing all around them. It is such a fantastic age to be at, when they realise that there is so much more than the small bubble of mum, dad and booby that has been their world so far and they want to experiment and explore. For me though, this part of their lives is tinged with a little sadness. Sadness that I don't have the luxury of time like I had with Kaya, to spend helping them explore. The guilt of being a twin mum and having to split your attention three ways is getting to me. Combined with the sleepless nights, the hunger pangs, and the painful knees and shoulder blades (you try carrying around two 19lb babies non-stop!) has turned me into a depressed, moody monster. The twins have also had a bad week. I put them in seperate cots for the first time on Sunday and I'm quickly getting the feeling that the boys do not like being apart! They kept me up until 3am the other night, screeching their protests at being seperated and demanding to be united. Unfortunately I cannot put them back together again as they are just too big for one cot.
So here it is. A week in the life of a twin mum. Stress? Plenty! Frustration? In abundance. Guilt?? Bucket load. All the ingredients of being me. I felt very sorry for myself last night and I lied in bed (after Kerem decided that mummy wasn't allowed to watch her programme and screamed every time I even thought about leaving the room) with my little man in my arms and sobbed. Poor hubby sat by the side of the bed, trying to sympathise with me. "I know what you are going through Naz, I'm going through it too".
Oh really? Do you wake up about 15 times in the middle of the night? Do you breasfeed TWO babies all day?? Do you carry at least one (very heavy) baby in your arms throughout the whole day -sometimes two- trying to entertain them constantly? To you tend to a very jelous four year old who thinks that mummy no longer loves him, then get annoyed at his constant demands for attention, tell him off, then suffer from severe guilt for being such a crap mother?? Do you hold your pee in all day long, only to find yourself wondering why the heck you bladder is burning, then realise you've needed a loo break for the last 4 hours and not had the chance to go?? Does your life revolve around the same 4 walls that you've confined yourself in, cos you are too scared to go out alone in case the twins play up and you can't handle them? Are you starved off human adult contact? Then it is safe to say, you don't know what I am going through!!
I will survive this....I will look back on it one day and think "what was all the fuss about?" I will take one glance at my sons and know that I did a fantastic job and that it was worth every sleepless night, every pain, every blood, sweat and tears that I've shed. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know I have gorgeous children and I shouldn't be feeling this way. And everytime I look into those beautiful brown eyes, everytime I get one of those wonderful gummy smiles, I come to my senses. But now and then I need to wallow in self pity. Now and then, I feel down. Because I am human. And I do feel...
Friday, 14 January 2011
Hush little babies don't you cry.....
I'm sure that from reading my blog you've noticed that I'm not in the best of states lately. Six months of demand feeding the little men, of waking up countless of times in the night - in fact hardly sleeping, of not getting any rest during the day due to the fact that the boys won't nap for more than 10 minutes intervals and when they are awake, want to be constantly held, has resulted in me being a permanent moody, emotional, tramp! (Not tramp in the slutty way but tramp as in I don't get to wash lately!)
I have therefore decided that for my sanity's sake I must use the "controlled crying method" to get the boys sleeping through the night and napping better during the day. For those of you who are not familiar with CC, here's how it works: You settle baby down while still awake and leave the room. Return in 5 minutes to pop dummy in mouth (if they take one) and to soothe them (I stroke their head or pat their bottom) for a couple of minutes, then leave the room again, even if they are still crying. Return at 10/15/20/30 minute intervals and repeat process until they fall asleep. I actually thought this method was quite harsh and I wanted to avoid it as I can't even hear my little men cry for 5 seconds, let alone 5 minutes. But desperate times, desperate measures! And so with the help and support of a fellow twin mum, who talked me through the process, and with a very heavy heart and nervous mind, we began on Wednesday.
Today is day three, and I cannot believe the change in the boys! Firstly I have to say, the method wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, although I have adjusted the times I go in as there's no way I could leave them to cry for more than 10 mins. So after 2-5 minutes, I go in, replace dummy, soothe and leave. From the very first day there was a major difference. The boys napped for 40 minutes in the morning, and over an hour in the afternoon. Last night Kaan only woke up once (at 2.00am) and whinged for about an hour until he settled back to sleep till 7 am. Kerem didn't cry at all. He stirred once, I popped his dummy into his mouth and he slept till 6am.
I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The boys having proper naps have meant that I got to shower yesterday and today (something unheard of in the last few months - a shower two days in a row! Madness!!) It meant I get to finish my meals. It means I've had time to sit and write this post! I am hoping that within the next week or so, the boys will be sleeping through the night. How great would that be. It would mean not having to go to bed at 8.30 pm because I'm so shattered. It would mean having my evenings back! Who knows, I may be able to be me again very soon, rather than the slightly smelly, very moody, incoherent mad woman that I've become of late. Watch out people, I'll be back!
I have therefore decided that for my sanity's sake I must use the "controlled crying method" to get the boys sleeping through the night and napping better during the day. For those of you who are not familiar with CC, here's how it works: You settle baby down while still awake and leave the room. Return in 5 minutes to pop dummy in mouth (if they take one) and to soothe them (I stroke their head or pat their bottom) for a couple of minutes, then leave the room again, even if they are still crying. Return at 10/15/20/30 minute intervals and repeat process until they fall asleep. I actually thought this method was quite harsh and I wanted to avoid it as I can't even hear my little men cry for 5 seconds, let alone 5 minutes. But desperate times, desperate measures! And so with the help and support of a fellow twin mum, who talked me through the process, and with a very heavy heart and nervous mind, we began on Wednesday.
Today is day three, and I cannot believe the change in the boys! Firstly I have to say, the method wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, although I have adjusted the times I go in as there's no way I could leave them to cry for more than 10 mins. So after 2-5 minutes, I go in, replace dummy, soothe and leave. From the very first day there was a major difference. The boys napped for 40 minutes in the morning, and over an hour in the afternoon. Last night Kaan only woke up once (at 2.00am) and whinged for about an hour until he settled back to sleep till 7 am. Kerem didn't cry at all. He stirred once, I popped his dummy into his mouth and he slept till 6am.
I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The boys having proper naps have meant that I got to shower yesterday and today (something unheard of in the last few months - a shower two days in a row! Madness!!) It meant I get to finish my meals. It means I've had time to sit and write this post! I am hoping that within the next week or so, the boys will be sleeping through the night. How great would that be. It would mean not having to go to bed at 8.30 pm because I'm so shattered. It would mean having my evenings back! Who knows, I may be able to be me again very soon, rather than the slightly smelly, very moody, incoherent mad woman that I've become of late. Watch out people, I'll be back!
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Life is a rollercoaster?? Stop I wanna get off!!!
The last 6 months has been like a rollercoaster. So many highs and lows that I'm dizzy from it all. I cannot believe that my beautiful boys are going to be 6 months next week (3rd Jan). Already half a year has flown by. I look at them through my bloodshot sleepless eyes and I'm filled with awe.
Yet I'm also filled with fear - "please don't wake up baby, mummy needs to pee!" "Have 10 more minutes sleep sweetheart, mummy needs to wash" and my personal favorite thought "please don't dive into my chest baby, mummy's nipple needs to heal, otherwise it will drop off"!! Even as I am writing this, I have one of my cheeky chappies on my lap, desperately trying to get to (his) booby. I have become a cow, always ready to be milked! (is that even a word??)
I have never been so in love, or so exhausted in my life. I am totally obsessed with these little miracles, but also slightly peeved off (yes I admit it - but I am only human) that I have no life at the moment. I do not recognise myself anymore. The groomed, witty, intelligent Naz has gone, to be replaced with a gibbering, sleepless, messy wreck who can only comprehend baby talk! Am I making any sense?? Probably not. Am I contradicting myself?? Hell yeah - but what do you expect from a woman that has about 3 hours broken sleep (if i'm lucky) ever night for the past 6 months?
Having twins has taught me so much. I never realised how much patience I really had in me if I just practiced it. Never realised how much love could pour out of every pore and how that love can be split equally between all three of my beautiful boys. Never realised how much guilt a mother feels when she thinks she's failing and realises that no matter how much she loves all her children, sometimes its impossible to split your attention three ways. Never realised how I could control my bladder so well and hold my pee in all day until bedtime becuase I just don't have time for loo breaks (oooh the glamourous life of being a twin mum). Never realised just how selfless I can be...
Yes it's hard work. You have no idea how hard, unless you are in the same position (or unless you are superwoman). I have so much admiration for twin/multiple mums, and I can now spot them a mile off (and not because they have twins with them smartarse!) as they are the ladies who look slighlty unkempt, a little dazed and confused with bloodshot eyes, but with an air of strentgh and extreme determination about them. Cos you have to be a strong woman to survive twins. A friend of mine told me that God only sends twins to strong women as we are the ones that can handle them - how right she was!
Yet I'm also filled with fear - "please don't wake up baby, mummy needs to pee!" "Have 10 more minutes sleep sweetheart, mummy needs to wash" and my personal favorite thought "please don't dive into my chest baby, mummy's nipple needs to heal, otherwise it will drop off"!! Even as I am writing this, I have one of my cheeky chappies on my lap, desperately trying to get to (his) booby. I have become a cow, always ready to be milked! (is that even a word??)
I have never been so in love, or so exhausted in my life. I am totally obsessed with these little miracles, but also slightly peeved off (yes I admit it - but I am only human) that I have no life at the moment. I do not recognise myself anymore. The groomed, witty, intelligent Naz has gone, to be replaced with a gibbering, sleepless, messy wreck who can only comprehend baby talk! Am I making any sense?? Probably not. Am I contradicting myself?? Hell yeah - but what do you expect from a woman that has about 3 hours broken sleep (if i'm lucky) ever night for the past 6 months?
Having twins has taught me so much. I never realised how much patience I really had in me if I just practiced it. Never realised how much love could pour out of every pore and how that love can be split equally between all three of my beautiful boys. Never realised how much guilt a mother feels when she thinks she's failing and realises that no matter how much she loves all her children, sometimes its impossible to split your attention three ways. Never realised how I could control my bladder so well and hold my pee in all day until bedtime becuase I just don't have time for loo breaks (oooh the glamourous life of being a twin mum). Never realised just how selfless I can be...
Yes it's hard work. You have no idea how hard, unless you are in the same position (or unless you are superwoman). I have so much admiration for twin/multiple mums, and I can now spot them a mile off (and not because they have twins with them smartarse!) as they are the ladies who look slighlty unkempt, a little dazed and confused with bloodshot eyes, but with an air of strentgh and extreme determination about them. Cos you have to be a strong woman to survive twins. A friend of mine told me that God only sends twins to strong women as we are the ones that can handle them - how right she was!
Friday, 5 November 2010
Love Bubble
It's been ages since I last wrote. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of baby clothes, nappies and sleepless nights. It has been one of the most stressful, exhausting and emotional times of my life - yet it has also been the most incredible time. My beautiful boys are now four months old and I am totally and utterly in love with them.
The first time I felt love like this was when Kaya was born. My tiny little pink bundle instantly taught me what love was really about the moment he was placed in my arms. I looked into those beautiful grey eyes of his and realised what life was all about. I knew, right there in that hospital room that I would do anything for him. Give up my life for him. Kill for him. I remember saying to my mum shortly after he was born, "I don't think I should have anymore children, it just wouldn't be fair on the next one. How could I love anyone ever again the same way I love him - I just don't have any room left in my heart". My mum laughed at me and told me not to be silly and that you will love all your children the same. I didn't believe her.
When Kaan & Kerem exploded into my life I realised how wrong I was. Not only was I fortunate enough to be able to have another child, but God sent me two to test out my prior theory! Mums are always right - not only do I love them as much as I love Kaya, my love for all my children is equal. I feel so lucky to have three beautiful, healthy boys. And the twins make me feel very very special. It is such an honour to be a "twin mum".
I was going to write all about my sleepless nights and the several occasions we had to dash to doctors and hospital as the boys developed bronchilitis but to be honest with you, I'm in such a love bubble over the twins, that the bad has already been erased from my mind. Sleepless nights?? Who needs sleep when I have the most adorable babies to sit and watch all night! Long, agonising wait in A&E?? A distant memory! Getting pee'd on several times a day - it's only a bit of rose water from my precious flowers! The boys are worth all the tiredness, stress and pain I may go through. Double Trouble? No. Double the love?? Hell Yeah!! Must dash now, my lil angels are awake and waiting for mummy milk....
The first time I felt love like this was when Kaya was born. My tiny little pink bundle instantly taught me what love was really about the moment he was placed in my arms. I looked into those beautiful grey eyes of his and realised what life was all about. I knew, right there in that hospital room that I would do anything for him. Give up my life for him. Kill for him. I remember saying to my mum shortly after he was born, "I don't think I should have anymore children, it just wouldn't be fair on the next one. How could I love anyone ever again the same way I love him - I just don't have any room left in my heart". My mum laughed at me and told me not to be silly and that you will love all your children the same. I didn't believe her.
When Kaan & Kerem exploded into my life I realised how wrong I was. Not only was I fortunate enough to be able to have another child, but God sent me two to test out my prior theory! Mums are always right - not only do I love them as much as I love Kaya, my love for all my children is equal. I feel so lucky to have three beautiful, healthy boys. And the twins make me feel very very special. It is such an honour to be a "twin mum".
I was going to write all about my sleepless nights and the several occasions we had to dash to doctors and hospital as the boys developed bronchilitis but to be honest with you, I'm in such a love bubble over the twins, that the bad has already been erased from my mind. Sleepless nights?? Who needs sleep when I have the most adorable babies to sit and watch all night! Long, agonising wait in A&E?? A distant memory! Getting pee'd on several times a day - it's only a bit of rose water from my precious flowers! The boys are worth all the tiredness, stress and pain I may go through. Double Trouble? No. Double the love?? Hell Yeah!! Must dash now, my lil angels are awake and waiting for mummy milk....
Friday, 6 August 2010
Sink or Swim?
I'm sitting here watching the boys sleeping peacefully side by side in their bouncers. Two little identically chubby faces turned the same direction contentedly in dreamland. As Kerem starts stirring and making little mousy sounds, I hold my breath, waiting to see if he'll wake up. When he relaxes and continues sleeping, I breathe a sigh of relief. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time holding and caring for my little boy, but I know that once he wakes up, it won't be long before Kaan stirs - and that's when the real fun begins!
The boys will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. Five weeks have whizzed by without me even realising. If you asked me what day of the week it is, or the date, or even the time, I would not be able to answer you, in fact you'd be lucky if I could tell you my name let alone the date! When I named this blog Baby Daze, I got it spot on - I am very much dazed and confused! But oh so in love. It is true that I hardly get any sleep, rest, food or even time for personal hygiene (gone are the days of long luxurious showers and facials or pampering), yet they are so worth it. If only I could now get over my fear of being alone with them....
I am usually a very capable person. I'm strong and independant and sensible. I've always been able to handle situations, no matter how hard they may seem. You either sink or swim, when faced with difficulty - I have always chosen to swim. Yet this is hard work! Much harder then what hubby and I thought and I'm afraid I need armbands in this case, to keep me afloat!
So far I've had my mum, husband and niece with me to help look after them. It takes four adults to manage two babies and a four year old! Today, for the first time since I left the hospital with them, I have been left alone with my boys. My mum is on holiday, hubby is back at work and my lovely niece (who has come to help while my mum is away) is out celebrating her birthday. My immediate thought was to panic at being left alone with them. "How will I cope?" "What do I do if they both wake up and need to be fed? If they are both crying?" When hubby first went back to work and I found out my mum was going on holiday I almost had a panic attack. I'm terrified of being left alone with my own children! I don't feel like I'll be able to cope and the idea scares me sensless. I'm very tired and ratty and feel run down. My niece came to my rescue thank god. Yet even she needs a day off. So while I reassured her that I could cope, and to go and enjoy her birthday, I tried to silence the voices in my head that were hysterically telling me they can't do it, that "we" cannot cope! "Run run" the voices are telling me, "go and hide". I know it makes no sense, yet I cannot get rid of the panic. But then I look at the two little angelic faces and realise they need me and I know in that instance, that I won't be running away anytime soon. Yes it's scary. For the first time in my life I don't know how to cope on my own. For the first time in my life, I need help even though I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for it. Well here's me asking... Wanna come round and keep me company? You may need to change a nappy or ten, and hold a baby or two, but I promise you, we'll entertain you! So what are you waiting for?!
The boys will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. Five weeks have whizzed by without me even realising. If you asked me what day of the week it is, or the date, or even the time, I would not be able to answer you, in fact you'd be lucky if I could tell you my name let alone the date! When I named this blog Baby Daze, I got it spot on - I am very much dazed and confused! But oh so in love. It is true that I hardly get any sleep, rest, food or even time for personal hygiene (gone are the days of long luxurious showers and facials or pampering), yet they are so worth it. If only I could now get over my fear of being alone with them....
I am usually a very capable person. I'm strong and independant and sensible. I've always been able to handle situations, no matter how hard they may seem. You either sink or swim, when faced with difficulty - I have always chosen to swim. Yet this is hard work! Much harder then what hubby and I thought and I'm afraid I need armbands in this case, to keep me afloat!
So far I've had my mum, husband and niece with me to help look after them. It takes four adults to manage two babies and a four year old! Today, for the first time since I left the hospital with them, I have been left alone with my boys. My mum is on holiday, hubby is back at work and my lovely niece (who has come to help while my mum is away) is out celebrating her birthday. My immediate thought was to panic at being left alone with them. "How will I cope?" "What do I do if they both wake up and need to be fed? If they are both crying?" When hubby first went back to work and I found out my mum was going on holiday I almost had a panic attack. I'm terrified of being left alone with my own children! I don't feel like I'll be able to cope and the idea scares me sensless. I'm very tired and ratty and feel run down. My niece came to my rescue thank god. Yet even she needs a day off. So while I reassured her that I could cope, and to go and enjoy her birthday, I tried to silence the voices in my head that were hysterically telling me they can't do it, that "we" cannot cope! "Run run" the voices are telling me, "go and hide". I know it makes no sense, yet I cannot get rid of the panic. But then I look at the two little angelic faces and realise they need me and I know in that instance, that I won't be running away anytime soon. Yes it's scary. For the first time in my life I don't know how to cope on my own. For the first time in my life, I need help even though I am not the type of person to reach out and ask for it. Well here's me asking... Wanna come round and keep me company? You may need to change a nappy or ten, and hold a baby or two, but I promise you, we'll entertain you! So what are you waiting for?!
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Welcome to the World my beautiful babies
On Saturday 3rd July my beautiful baby boys entered the world. Baby Kaan was born at 6.03pm, closely followed by baby Kerem at 6.07pm. I'm very proud to say that I had a relatively quick and natural delivery. Kaan weighed 5lb 8 oz and Kerem a mere 4lb 13oz.
Since their birth life for us has been a whirlwind. We have no concept of time or day - it has all just merged into one, filled with nappies, milk, laughter (ours from the joy of our boys) and tears.
The tears are mainly from the boys, when they are demanding more "mummy milk". Occasionally the tears have been mine. Tears of joy that I have finally had two healthy, beautiful babies after 9 months of worry and pain. Tears of frustration (how do I hold and feed both babies at the same time???), from the lack of sleep and tears from the pain of breastfeeding (I forgot just how painful it had been the first time round).
As I sit here attempting to write this blog, I am drawing complete blanks as to how to put into words how I feel, because words cannot express it. For the first time I am finding it difficult to express myself through writing. Words seem empty and incompetent. Yet I shall try.
My boys (all three of them) are my greatest, most proudest achievement of my life. They are my sunshine, my hopes and dreams. They are what makes it worth getting up in the morning (even when I haven't slept all night). I look at them and I'm filled with such pride and hope for them that it actually physically hurts. The twins are so little at the moment and so fragile, that I feel an overwhelming desire to protect them. I can easily imagine what a tigress feels like, over her little cubs - very easily understand how you would tear someone or something apart if they were to even attempt to hurt them. Being a mother is the most confusing feeling ever. You feel helpless and strong at the same time.
Kaan and Kerem are already showing their individual personalities. Kaan (the eldest by 4 mins) is "my grumpy old man". He tends to whinge and tell you off (yes, a 5 day old baby can tell you off - if only you could hear the tone he uses when whining!) about everything. Doesnt like his nappy changed, doesn't like to try to hard for his milk (if he has to suckle for too long he gets annoyed and starts beating the breast with his little fists!) and will pee on you if you upset him in anyway (he peed on the midwife who gave him his vitaming K shot). He insists on having his arms out and hates to be swaddled. And when he gets hungry or upset, he waves his little fists in the air, demanding attention! He loves to be held and gazes up at you with the most trusting, piercing stare that completely melts your heart.
Kerem is "my little sparrow (kucuk sercem). He is the most tiniest, most fragile looking thing - he looks like a doll. Yet do not be deceived by his size. He is tiny but mighty. For the first 24 hours of his life, he had to have heel prick tests to check his blood sugar levels (as he was so small) every 3 hours, yet he hardly made a sound every time they pricked him, and seemed unfazed by it. He can already lift up his head for a good look around at the world and he seems very protective of his brother, always opening his eyes to check he's next to him in the cot, before falling asleep again. I cannot wait to see them grow and develop into their personalities even more and I have bonded with them on equal levels instantly.
Their big brother Kaya seems infatuated with them, and although he is showing some signs of jealousy, it is not targeted at his brothers, he's just demanding our attention more. He is very loving towards the boys and I am really looking forward to seeing their relationship develop. I am truly blessed to have three such wonderful, beautiful, healthy boys - I am a very lucky lady!
Now I'm going to go and get some much needed sleep - if I can tear myself away from watching the boys sleep!
Since their birth life for us has been a whirlwind. We have no concept of time or day - it has all just merged into one, filled with nappies, milk, laughter (ours from the joy of our boys) and tears.
The tears are mainly from the boys, when they are demanding more "mummy milk". Occasionally the tears have been mine. Tears of joy that I have finally had two healthy, beautiful babies after 9 months of worry and pain. Tears of frustration (how do I hold and feed both babies at the same time???), from the lack of sleep and tears from the pain of breastfeeding (I forgot just how painful it had been the first time round).
As I sit here attempting to write this blog, I am drawing complete blanks as to how to put into words how I feel, because words cannot express it. For the first time I am finding it difficult to express myself through writing. Words seem empty and incompetent. Yet I shall try.
My boys (all three of them) are my greatest, most proudest achievement of my life. They are my sunshine, my hopes and dreams. They are what makes it worth getting up in the morning (even when I haven't slept all night). I look at them and I'm filled with such pride and hope for them that it actually physically hurts. The twins are so little at the moment and so fragile, that I feel an overwhelming desire to protect them. I can easily imagine what a tigress feels like, over her little cubs - very easily understand how you would tear someone or something apart if they were to even attempt to hurt them. Being a mother is the most confusing feeling ever. You feel helpless and strong at the same time.
Kaan and Kerem are already showing their individual personalities. Kaan (the eldest by 4 mins) is "my grumpy old man". He tends to whinge and tell you off (yes, a 5 day old baby can tell you off - if only you could hear the tone he uses when whining!) about everything. Doesnt like his nappy changed, doesn't like to try to hard for his milk (if he has to suckle for too long he gets annoyed and starts beating the breast with his little fists!) and will pee on you if you upset him in anyway (he peed on the midwife who gave him his vitaming K shot). He insists on having his arms out and hates to be swaddled. And when he gets hungry or upset, he waves his little fists in the air, demanding attention! He loves to be held and gazes up at you with the most trusting, piercing stare that completely melts your heart.
Kerem is "my little sparrow (kucuk sercem). He is the most tiniest, most fragile looking thing - he looks like a doll. Yet do not be deceived by his size. He is tiny but mighty. For the first 24 hours of his life, he had to have heel prick tests to check his blood sugar levels (as he was so small) every 3 hours, yet he hardly made a sound every time they pricked him, and seemed unfazed by it. He can already lift up his head for a good look around at the world and he seems very protective of his brother, always opening his eyes to check he's next to him in the cot, before falling asleep again. I cannot wait to see them grow and develop into their personalities even more and I have bonded with them on equal levels instantly.
Their big brother Kaya seems infatuated with them, and although he is showing some signs of jealousy, it is not targeted at his brothers, he's just demanding our attention more. He is very loving towards the boys and I am really looking forward to seeing their relationship develop. I am truly blessed to have three such wonderful, beautiful, healthy boys - I am a very lucky lady!
Now I'm going to go and get some much needed sleep - if I can tear myself away from watching the boys sleep!
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