The Milky Bars are no longer on me

My beautiful boys are exactly 11 months today. Eleven months has flown by in a heartbeat. Its a bit of a sad day for me today as I've finally admitted to myself that it is time to stop breastfeeding my little monkeys. They are just not interested in mummy milk anymore. The world around them is far more interesting to be stuck on mummy's lap, feeding. So for the last time this morning, I took my little boys onto my lap, breastfed them together (tandem), then apart for the very last time...

I took some pictures so that I can look back and reminice, then officially closed down the "Milk Bar" (my hubby's phrasing, not mine - he brought a whole new meaning to the line "the milky bars are on me"!). I feel relieved and sad all at the same time. I was never sure I'd be able to BF the twins, but I promised myself I'd try and I think I have done brillliantly, considering how hellish the first month. I should be happy I've done it this long and that I can finally have my boobs back, but it kind of feels like it's admitting they are now longer babies anymore but on their way to toddlerhood - I waaaant my babies baaaaaaaaaccckkk!!!

I'll miss the cuddles and that special feeling I got when they snuggled up against me, suckling away, sighing contentedly as they fell asleep in my arms. I will miss how they would dive into my chest, pulling at my top, trying to get to their mummy milk. I will miss that no matter what upset them, or how upset they were, it could all be so solved and the tears would immediately stop just by breastfeeding them. And most importantly I will miss the one-on-one quality time I had with each twin as I fed them.

So it's an end to one chapter, and I'm sure the beginning of a whole lot more. Four more weeks and we'll be celebrating their first birthday. I cannot believe how quickly a year has gone by - and more importantly, I cannot believe I survived it!! Must be made of stronger stuff than I thought.... Right, I'm off to chuck away my ugly nursing bras and buy some new underwired bras that will mean my breasts will be back to where they belong, rather than down my knees! Hubby is in for a treat, no more granny boobs! :)

Me, myself and I

To say that the last month or so has been a challenge would be an understatement! I knew it would be hard work the moment the words left my mum's mouth. She was going to Cyprus on holiday - for 5 weeks!! OMG how was I going to cope without her? What would I do without her help? Would I be able to manage?

I first realised how much I needed my mum when the boys were about 4 weeks old or so. For the first four weeks of their life my mum lived with me. She helped me with everything, from washing the boys, to putting them to sleep, and even cooking and cleaning for me. She would even take the boys from me at night and look after them, doing all the night feeds (with expressed breast milk), while I slept till the morning. But when she decided that she needed a night in her own home and was leaving me for the evening, I had a panic attack. I just didn't feel I could cope. Seeing me so panicked, my mum ended up coming and going for another 4 months until in the end, I decided it would just be easier for us to move in with her. That way I'd have her to hand 24/7!

So you can imagine my horror when my mum informed me she was off on holiday for a much needed, and a very much deserved break. I don't begrudge my mum anything, of course she must go, but I could feel that old familiar feeling of panic setting in. The boys were now 9 months old, very active, very demanding - I needed her more than ever, or so I thought. I kept how I was feeling under wraps though, as I didn't want to make her feel guilty, and other than the occasional joke about her abandoning me, I assured her I'd be fine.

And so for the first time since the boys were born, I was left completely to my own devices. There was my dad and hubby of course, and he would watch the boys if I needed a quick loo break or a quick shower, but other than that, there was not much he could do. As for hubby, he doesn't get home until after 6pm, which by then the boys are in bed. The biggest help dad did for me was to do the school runs for Kaya. Unfortunately my poor mum didn't get the rest she needed and ended up having an accident and hurt her back in the first week of her holiday, so my dad had to rush to Cyprus to be with her, leaving me completely alone...

And so the merri-go-round of school runs, feeding the boys, entertaining them, taking them up and down the stairs (one under each arm, who needs dumbells) bathing them alone etc, etc, began. Things that I would normally had help with, I had to learn to do alone. The feeling of panic, turned to desperation and depression. Until on the third day I realised something.... Not only was I coping, but I was enjoying it! The boys were thriving, and I was loving the fact that I had the boys all to myself, and managing just fine, thank you very much!

In those five weeks, my little men learnt how to crawl, pull themselves up on furniture and cruise and have started to babble away, having proper conversations with each other. Their gummy smiles and little personalities helped me pull through and see the bright side of things at the most difficult of moments. The hardest thing for us has been the nights. I think that there was so much change what with their nan then grandpa leaving, that the boys became very clingy and would wake several times a night wanting to sleep with us. Yet hubby and I coped. We got on with it and by the fourth week of my parents being away, I decided to tackle our sleepless nights too. It meant alot of willpower and a few tearful, frustrating and even more sleepless nights. After going cold turkey with the night feeds (they were still breastfeeding at night) and refusing to pick them up and using a little bit of the CC technique, we have managed to get the boys more settled at night. They are not sleeping through just yet, but in the last 3 nights, I've had more sleep than I've had in the last nine months! Hopefully they will soon settle even more and start sleeping through. Fingers crossed. Most importantly, I've learnt out of this experience that I am perfectly capable of looking after my boys, all by myself. Yes the house was a bit of a mess as I hardly had any spare time. Yes I went hungry as I didn't have time to cook. BUT I discovered that there's only three people I need to cope - me, myself and I - we can do just fine all on our own! :)

Getting to know you, getting to know all about youuuu....

You know the feeling you get when you meet someone new and you're in the early stages of your relationship where you are getting to know each other? The excitement you feel when spending time with them? The warm feeling inside when they look at you as if you are the most important person in the whole world? Well that's how I've been feeling these last two weeks. And who is the man making me feel like this I hear you say...Well there is two men making me feel like this. Two very special, gorgeous little men. Yes, you guessed it - Kaan and Kerem are responsible for the love bubble state that I'm going round in.

These last two weeks, my little men have changed so much, it's as if I am getting to know the "real them". At nearly nine months old, their little personalities are coming through, making me fall in love with them all over again. They are two of the cheekiest, funniest, cutest little boys ever. They clearly take after their big brother, who I'm sure has been giving them lessons in cheekiness on the sly! They have learnt how to clap on demand, wave, motion you to come with their hand, say grandpa in Turkish (dede) say mum in Turkish (anne, pronounced anneh), say come on in Turkish (hade) - all in the space of a couple of weeks! It's truly amazing how much they've developed in such a short space of time.

Their personalities are so different, both so special in their own way, that no matter how identical they may be, there is no mistaking who's who. Kaan is our little "Kirby" or "Teddy" as we like to call him. My mum calls him Kirby because he will eat absolutely anything you give him (he even devoured grapefruit!) and he eats so quickly - just hoovers it all up! Hubby and I call him Teddy as he is the most cuddliest baby ever. He loves being cuddled and kissed and squished and in return gives us lots of cuddles and kisses. He's definately the bossy and more sociable one of the two, always smiling and babbling at everyone, demanding they pay him attention & grabbing the toys of poor Kerem, even though he will have exactly the same toy in front of him. People always zone in on him first as he's very smiley and "talkative".

Kerem is "my little sparrow". I gave him this nickname from birth as he was just so tiny and fragile looking, that he reminded me of a baby bird. Funnily enough that nickname still applies, but for different reasons. He coos and makes the most adorable noises like a little bird and when he gets excited he starts flapping his arms, like he's trying to take off. He's a little bit more reserved and serious. He's more cautious of people he doesn't know, staring at them seriously, before even considering giving them a smile. Everyone thinks he's too serious and not a very smiley baby, but he just likes to suss you out first, before bestowing you with the most brightest, cheekiest smile ever. If you are patient enough to wait and play with him, you will be rewarded. He is more independant. He doesn't like too many cuddles and kisses - they have to be on his terms and when he's ready to give them to you. At first I thought that he didn't bond with me as well as Kaan and even told my mum that he seemed to prefer her to me as he seemed happier in nana's lap than mine, but in the last few weeks I'm started to get his personality more and our bond has become stronger because of it. I now know that patience and perseverence is the key to unlocking Kerem's heart and getting those sloppy kisses from him.

Tomorrow is my birthday. If anyone had told me a few years back that I'd be celebrating my 31st birthday with three beautiful boys and I'd be a twin mummy I'd have laughed in their face. Having twins has been the biggest shock ever - I never wanted twins (I just never considered the possibility), I just assumed we would have one more baby and that would be our family. BUT the moment I knew of the twins existence, my life changed forever. They are my destiny and I am totally in love with them. I am so glad they chose me as their mummy. Tomorrow will be one of the best birthdays I will ever have, as I have three little sets of chubby arms ready to give me cuddles, and that's the best birthday present I could ever wish for!

Pass me the Prozac please!

This week has been a very tough week for me so far. I feel like every nerve in my body is on edge and my temper levels are sky high. I am like a volcano that is about to erupt, spewing all my frustrations, impatience, anger and resentment onto any poor sod that had the audacity to cross my path (it usually tends to be poor hubby). That icelandic volcano has nothing on me!

From someone on the outside looking in, I probably seem like a silly, ungrateful cow, who doesn't know how lucky she is. Far from it. I count my lucky stars everyday. For I have the most precious, wonderful, beautiful three boys that any woman could ever have. They are my angels (sometimes my devils!), my good luck charms, my pride and joy. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that I am only human and I have human-like feelings! I am not superwoman. I am not a robot. I am not a vampire that can do without sleep! (How I envy those Cullens right now). I cannot live on air alone, I need food occasionally. I do not have superhuman powers and boundless energy - I need rest on rare occasions! Yet I am on the go 24/7. I wake up countless of times through the night, either turning a baby over (who has flipped onto his front, then struggled like a little turtle on his shell, to get back over but cannot), fetching water for another, trying to calm a screaming baby down or just wondering the house aimlessly, feeling on edge because I think there is something I should be doing, but can't remember what (note to self: you're meant to be sleeping hun!).

The twins are getting more and more aware of their sorroundings by the day. They want to be part of the action; tasting everything, touching everything, seeing all around them. It is such a fantastic age to be at, when they realise that there is so much more than the small bubble of mum, dad and booby that has been their world so far and they want to experiment and explore. For me though, this part of their lives is tinged with a little sadness. Sadness that I don't have the luxury of time like I had with Kaya, to spend helping them explore. The guilt of being a twin mum and having to split your attention three ways is getting to me. Combined with the sleepless nights, the hunger pangs, and the painful knees and shoulder blades (you try carrying around two 19lb babies non-stop!) has turned me into a depressed, moody monster. The twins have also had a bad week. I put them in seperate cots for the first time on Sunday and I'm quickly getting the feeling that the boys do not like being apart! They kept me up until 3am the other night, screeching their protests at being seperated and demanding to be united. Unfortunately I cannot put them back together again as they are just too big for one cot.

So here it is. A week in the life of a twin mum. Stress? Plenty! Frustration? In abundance. Guilt?? Bucket load. All the ingredients of being me. I felt very sorry for myself last night and I lied in bed (after Kerem decided that mummy wasn't allowed to watch her programme and screamed every time I even thought about leaving the room) with my little man in my arms and sobbed. Poor hubby sat by the side of the bed, trying to sympathise with me. "I know what you are going through Naz, I'm going through it too".

Oh really? Do you wake up about 15 times in the middle of the night? Do you breasfeed TWO babies all day?? Do you carry at least one (very heavy) baby in your arms throughout the whole day -sometimes two- trying to entertain them constantly? To you tend to a very jelous four year old who thinks that mummy no longer loves him, then get annoyed at his constant demands for attention, tell him off, then suffer from severe guilt for being such a crap mother?? Do you hold your pee in all day long, only to find yourself wondering why the heck you bladder is burning, then realise you've needed a loo break for the last 4 hours and not had the chance to go?? Does your life revolve around the same 4 walls that you've confined yourself in, cos you are too scared to go out alone in case the twins play up and you can't handle them? Are you starved off human adult contact? Then it is safe to say, you don't know what I am going through!!

I will survive this....I will look back on it one day and think "what was all the fuss about?" I will take one glance at my sons and know that I did a fantastic job and that it was worth every sleepless night, every pain, every blood, sweat and tears that I've shed. I KNOW how lucky I am. I know I have gorgeous children and I shouldn't be feeling this way. And everytime I look into those beautiful brown eyes, everytime I get one of those wonderful gummy smiles, I come to my senses. But now and then I need to wallow in self pity. Now and then, I feel down. Because I am human. And I do feel...

Hush little babies don't you cry.....

I'm sure that from reading my blog you've noticed that I'm not in the best of states lately. Six months of demand feeding the little men, of waking up countless of times in the night - in fact hardly sleeping, of not getting any rest during the day due to the fact that the boys won't nap for more than 10 minutes intervals and when they are awake, want to be constantly held, has resulted in me being a permanent moody, emotional, tramp! (Not tramp in the slutty way but tramp as in I don't get to wash lately!)

I have therefore decided that for my sanity's sake I must use the "controlled crying method" to get the boys sleeping through the night and napping better during the day. For those of you who are not familiar with CC, here's how it works: You settle baby down while still awake and leave the room. Return in 5 minutes to pop dummy in mouth (if they take one) and to soothe them (I stroke their head or pat their bottom) for a couple of minutes, then leave the room again, even if they are still crying. Return at 10/15/20/30 minute intervals and repeat process until they fall asleep. I actually thought this method was quite harsh and I wanted to avoid it as I can't even hear my little men cry for 5 seconds, let alone 5 minutes. But desperate times, desperate measures! And so with the help and support of a fellow twin mum, who talked me through the process, and with a very heavy heart and nervous mind, we began on Wednesday.

Today is day three, and I cannot believe the change in the boys! Firstly I have to say, the method wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be, although I have adjusted the times I go in as there's no way I could leave them to cry for more than 10 mins. So after 2-5 minutes, I go in, replace dummy, soothe and leave. From the very first day there was a major difference. The boys napped for 40 minutes in the morning, and over an hour in the afternoon. Last night Kaan only woke up once (at 2.00am) and whinged for about an hour until he settled back to sleep till 7 am. Kerem didn't cry at all. He stirred once, I popped his dummy into his mouth and he slept till 6am.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The boys having proper naps have meant that I got to shower yesterday and today (something unheard of in the last few months - a shower two days in a row! Madness!!) It meant I get to finish my meals. It means I've had time to sit and write this post! I am hoping that within the next week or so, the boys will be sleeping through the night. How great would that be. It would mean not having to go to bed at 8.30 pm because I'm so shattered. It would mean having my evenings back! Who knows, I may be able to be me again very soon, rather than the slightly smelly, very moody, incoherent mad woman that I've become of late. Watch out people, I'll be back!

Life is a rollercoaster?? Stop I wanna get off!!!

The last 6 months has been like a rollercoaster. So many highs and lows that I'm dizzy from it all. I cannot believe that my beautiful boys are going to be 6 months next week (3rd Jan). Already half a year has flown by. I look at them through my bloodshot sleepless eyes and I'm filled with awe.

Yet I'm also filled with fear - "please don't wake up baby, mummy needs to pee!" "Have 10 more minutes sleep sweetheart, mummy needs to wash" and my personal favorite thought "please don't dive into my chest baby, mummy's nipple needs to heal, otherwise it will drop off"!! Even as I am writing this, I have one of my cheeky chappies on my lap, desperately trying to get to (his) booby. I have become a cow, always ready to be milked! (is that even a word??)

I have never been so in love, or so exhausted in my life. I am totally obsessed with these little miracles, but also slightly peeved off (yes I admit it - but I am only human) that I have no life at the moment. I do not recognise myself anymore. The groomed, witty, intelligent Naz has gone, to be replaced with a gibbering, sleepless, messy wreck who can only comprehend baby talk! Am I making any sense?? Probably not. Am I contradicting myself?? Hell yeah - but what do you expect from a woman that has about 3 hours broken sleep (if i'm lucky) ever night for the past 6 months?

Having twins has taught me so much. I never realised how much patience I really had in me if I just practiced it. Never realised how much love could pour out of every pore and how that love can be split equally between all three of my beautiful boys. Never realised how much guilt a mother feels when she thinks she's failing and realises that no matter how much she loves all her children, sometimes its impossible to split your attention three ways. Never realised how I could control my bladder so well and hold my pee in all day until bedtime becuase I just don't have time for loo breaks (oooh the glamourous life of being a twin mum). Never realised just how selfless I can be...

Yes it's hard work. You have no idea how hard, unless you are in the same position (or unless you are superwoman). I have so much admiration for twin/multiple mums, and I can now spot them a mile off (and not because they have twins with them smartarse!) as they are the ladies who look slighlty unkempt, a little dazed and confused with bloodshot eyes, but with an air of strentgh and extreme determination about them. Cos you have to be a strong woman to survive twins. A friend of mine told me that God only sends twins to strong women as we are the ones that can handle them - how right she was!

Love Bubble

It's been ages since I last wrote. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of baby clothes, nappies and sleepless nights. It has been one of the most stressful, exhausting and emotional times of my life - yet it has also been the most incredible time. My beautiful boys are now four months old and I am totally and utterly in love with them.

The first time I felt love like this was when Kaya was born. My tiny little pink bundle instantly taught me what love was really about the moment he was placed in my arms. I looked into those beautiful grey eyes of his and realised what life was all about. I knew, right there in that hospital room that I would do anything for him. Give up my life for him. Kill for him. I remember saying to my mum shortly after he was born, "I don't think I should have anymore children, it just wouldn't be fair on the next one. How could I love anyone ever again the same way I love him - I just don't have any room left in my heart". My mum laughed at me and told me not to be silly and that you will love all your children the same. I didn't believe her.

When Kaan & Kerem exploded into my life I realised how wrong I was. Not only was I fortunate enough to be able to have another child, but God sent me two to test out my prior theory! Mums are always right - not only do I love them as much as I love Kaya, my love for all my children is equal. I feel so lucky to have three beautiful, healthy boys. And the twins make me feel very very special. It is such an honour to be a "twin mum".

I was going to write all about my sleepless nights and the several occasions we had to dash to doctors and hospital as the boys developed bronchilitis but to be honest with you, I'm in such a love bubble over the twins, that the bad has already been erased from my mind. Sleepless nights?? Who needs sleep when I have the most adorable babies to sit and watch all night! Long, agonising wait in A&E?? A distant memory! Getting pee'd on several times a day - it's only a bit of rose water from my precious flowers! The boys are worth all the tiredness, stress and pain I may go through. Double Trouble? No. Double the love?? Hell Yeah!! Must dash now, my lil angels are awake and waiting for mummy milk....